Not the Original Post

Every breaking wave on the shore

Tells the next one there’ll be one more

And every gambler knows that to lose

Is what you’re really there for

Summer I was fearless

Now I speak into an answer phone

Like every falling leaf on the breeze

Winter wouldn’t leave it alone

Alone

If you go?

If you go your way and I go mine

Are we so?

Are we so helpless against the tide?

Baby every dog on the street

Knows that we’re in love with defeat

Are we ready to be swept off our feet

And stop chasing

Every breaking wave

~U2. "Every Breaking Wave"

Why Hello! I had intended to post something else, but the past days have been too much of a scramble and my batteries did not have enough juice.

The Cute Photo.

Let's hope that next week is more peaceful, since I need to find some copper tops that last at least five years.

But right now, the end of school and losing sleep because of the issues my students cause me and  grading tests and passing a 300 bullet point cleaning check has put me behind on time and sleep. I could not brush my teeth for an entire day since the sinks and mirrors had to remain spotless. At least I had a student admit to me that she was afraid to come to office hours because I was a crazy old man, so that's out of the way. I'm walking a fine line.....although I think she did mention something about sending her mother after me. The harassment these people put me through. I might need an entire day just to decompress now.

Delaying Marriage (Part 3)

I cannot turn to see those eyes
As apologies may rise
I must be strong and stay an unbeliever
And love the sound of you walking away
Mascara bleeds into my eye
I'm not cold
I am old
At least as old as you are
As you walk away
~Franz Ferdinand (The Band, not The Man)

I'll stop the world and melt with you
You've seen the difference and it's getting better all the time
There's nothing you and I won't do
I'll stop the world and melt with you

~Modern English 

Left a girl in West Virginia
Up there where that green grass grows
Yes I did
Got a girl in Cincinatti
Waitin' where the Ohio River flows
Oh, girl
I'm a ramblin' man.
Don't give your heart to a ramblin' man.
~Waylon Jennings

I quote three songs above because this is a longer post and you might need two or three songs to carry you through. And, as always, they have meaning as it relates to the given topic.

If we can all get the end of this post without being offended, it will probably be a miracle. The LRSH might get burned to the ground. The kicked dog bites. Please also remember that if you think I am talking about you, in all likelihood I am not. Let's not become too paranoid now. I have very little contact with the world or any of you. It has been years since I have even seen some of the people that read this blog. Hence it is rather unlikely that I actually would write about most of you on the blog. As always, I am not trying to call anyone to repentance. This blog is ultimately about me--and me alone.

Some have asked me if this whole blog is just an enumeration of excuses as to why I have not yet crossed the threshold of matrimony. See what you want to see I guess. It does not take away from the validity of logical argument.

This will make better sense later on.

I have already addressed in a post on March 26, 2015 some of the numeric aspects of the question of rising marriage age. Today I am going to focus on the claim that single adults are actively "delaying" getting married.

First off, let me openly admit that single adults are consciously delaying marriage. I have even done so myself. I was more socially active as a younger young single adult (i.e. 18 years of age). There were a few girls I could have very actively pursued marriage with.* And goodness, we could have been all booed up and gone through all of those beloved "hard times" that proponents of dirt young marriage love.** Or I could have served a mission. Non, je ne regrette rien.

I have employment that takes time that I otherwise could be hunting for a wife. I could quit school and work full time to find a spouse. Yet I am not quite sure I would want to marry a girl who was attracted to such mediocrity.

Nevertheless, I have long learned that it is considered better to be a darn fool and married than it is to be wise and damned. The only problem is that I am also a darn fool.

In all seriousness, I think there are single adults that do actively and inappropriately delay getting married. Hence this topic is oft addressed with some concern. Personally, I have not seen great evidence of this delay occurring, but I do live in a bubble. The issue arises, however, when we begin to think this problem is endemic among the never married. Perhaps I am just out of touch in this regard. Please also remember the topic of last week: Just because people in general society delay marriage for "wicked" reasons does not mean those from the local community are doing such.

Stories and Parables.
Here is a story. I had an associate that once considered quitting school because he was unmarried. He reasoned that if he quit school, he would find a spouse. He is now married with a kid. (Note that this is different than being married to a kid, as righteous as that has been considered at times). How did he find his wife? He went to graduate school. I guess it was a good thing he did not quit school.

My point here is that one needs to get married "when the time is right." It has never been my time. Sometimes I have had to make the decision that the time was not right. I live pretty comfortably with this. It has nothing to do with "lacking faith"*** or a desire to just have fun and avoid responsibility.

In Matthew 13 there are two parables that here are relevant: The Parable of the Treasure in a Field and The Parable of the Pearl of Great Price. In the parable of the treasure, a man discovers a treasure in a field and wisely sells all that he hath to obtain the field. In the pearl of great price parable, a pearl merchant seeks at length for a pearl and, having found such, wisely sells all that he hath to obtain the pearl. Note the one slight difference between the two parables. In the first, the man discovers the treasure in a field. It just happened. There is no mention of him digging every field until he found treasure. It just happened and when the opportunity came to obtain the treasure he took it. Understand that some people just find their ostensible alibi to heaven in a field.

However in the second parable, the pearl merchant looked for a long time for the pearl. That was what he sought, and he knew when he found it. His pursuit was not to just crank the lever at the K-mart and pull out a cheap plastic ring for a quarter. Do not show how ignorant you are about pearl shopping by thinking it is that easy. How silly it would have been for someone to question the merchant about delaying finding the pearl of great price. How inappropriate it would be to suggest that the only reason why the pearl merchant had to look for such a long time is because he lacked faith to find the pearl.

Neither method of obtaining the desired treasure was better. But the perceptive person can see the difference in the two discoveries. And note that neither 'finder' really chose his path. It just happened. Their only real duty was to be in the right place and act when the opportunity was there.

These treasure finders were ultimately subject to the timing of something larger than themselves. "Timing" is a theme I hear about often. People love to talk about "trusting in God's timing." (A true principle). But then these same people flip right around and ask me with a chiding tone why (in essence) God's timing was not 4 years ago for me. [Scoff].

Where is my Horse or my Vampy? Where's my Macintosh? Answer those questions and I will tell when my time is. Not everyone lives the starry-eyed fairytale, gazing up at the constellations. (I of course realize that few people actually have a fairytale marriage. That's why it's so odd that we promote such as reality).

I live among a good number of unmarried people. Pretty much every week I must make the following decision about a single person: "Is this single person a bad soul that needs to be reprimanded, or a good soul who needs someone to support them?" Consider asking yourself that question when necessary. For me personally, I find that giving the latter answer in the majority of cases brings both parties to a better and more meaningful sphere of existence. Please also make sure that you have a proper understanding of what it means to give support. Read a few of the words of President Henry B. Eyring, who was married at age 29. He understands what it means to be a meaningful mentor. If you think your life, purpose, and calling revolves around reprimanding others from your supposed moral high ground, you live a pitiful existence. You, sir, can go to the back of the line.

Education affects marriage age. 

It should be pretty obvious that a higher percentage of people in their twenties are obtaining more education than was common place 40 years ago. And there is pretty good evidence that educated people get married later in life (Why is that.....?). Maybe this means that we should stop encouraging education. It probably would lead to lower median marriage ages, which is all half of us care about any way.  And before we start to raise the "you can get married and go to school" flag, let me interject with this: "I know." Lots of people do this. It is just like how you can be in the US Navy and be married. Or how you can train for a marathon and be married. But there are few people who hear the music of The Bull--and that is why education has an effect. Whether we want to come out and admit it or not, education is only glamorous to most people once they marry it and start benefiting from the pay checks. But until then, they would rather avoid the dedication and drive it takes to truly succeed in school. Hot tubbing with the guy who has no plans is much more fun. This is why I have had people tell me to "forget graduate school and get married!" [Scoff].

But whoa, whoa, whoa you cry! "We all care about school" you say. Riiiiiiight. To quote Eliza Doolittle, "Don't tell me--show me." Until people stop bearing their testimony on Sunday about the "distractions" and evils of academics, I will continue to find it hard to believe that we actually value education. Until people stop dropping out of school to get married, I will find it hard to believe we value education. If you can be married and go to school, show me.**** Until someone asks me about school and actually cares what I have to say, I will find it hard to believe we value education. (That's in memory of el cortito). There are people in this world (righteous people even!) who would give everything they have to obtain an education that you affluent bubble heads are faking your way through. You can big talk all you want about first world problems, but that's the pump-action truth. 

I think of G.H. I think of K.J.H. I think of Y.U.B. People who are desperate to have the financial resources to obtain a college education. People whom you would see in the shadows if you could turn your head for two seconds away from the halcyon rays of the Pollyanna and pearls existence. These are souls who know true trial. How could I possibly see these people and feel like I could stand tall knowing I threw away an opportunity that these people fought for two decades to have a chance at? This gives a whole new meaning to casting pearls before swine. Big whoop if you still have a pearl in your hand. You just threw the whole rest of the necklace into a pile of hog dung.

But I digress.

This play of education on marriage rates has even been reflected in the marriages of the presidents of the LDS Church. There are of course many other factors in play here,***** but there is a strong correlation between those presidents of the Church who were well educated and those who married later in life. 

When you block for those who also served a mission as a young man, every college graduate who went on to become president of the Church married after age 26. I will ignore Lorenzo Snow (attended college in the 1830s!), who was first married at age 30, due to the fact that he did not technically "graduate" from college. There is another president of the Church who married at age 30. I will let you figure out who he is. But none of you were alive when he died. Unless you are 116. (If you are 116, please do not get married. You will cause the average marriage age to go up since your dating range is 103.669 to 120.905). 

Conclusion
This rant has become too long, so I am going to stop here. But I think "we" (a euphemism for "some people out there.") need to realize that marriage is not something I just go out and buy at the store. (I think I have said that about ten times now). 

• Marriage is a personal decision that someone else needs to consent to.  
• Repeated goading of single people to get married is what leads to weirdo men proposing after the second date. 
• And please stop comparing missionary service to dating. It's not the same. 
• Don't foolishly think that you can get unmarried people to "stop being single" by just commanding them in a stern manner. Being single is not something I need to repent of.  Take off the astronomy jacket.  
• If it took you getting married to figure out that family and marriage were important, that speaks volumes about you, not me. Don't think you have a corner on all that is good in life just because you got married at some approved age. 

As always, I cannot address all aspects of this topic of "delaying marriage." I have said an extremely small portion of what I could say. Maybe you have a different view on this subject. Please comment below if you desire. No one ever really comments, so I always wonder how many people I have offended. Yet they just keep coming back each week for another desultory philippic and harangue from beneath.  I know that I am radicalized on topics such as this. However I feel that public apathy is the reason that people get away with sloppy sociology. 

---

*Although they would have been unwise to reciprocate such pursuits. Opinion. 

** If you got married "young," please understand I have no problem with that. You got married when the opportunity was correct for you. 

*** It is rare that I directly talk about religious principles here, but there seems to be confusion about what faith is. Faith is not a magic coin that buys whatever you want. Faith is hope or belief in something that is founded upon true principles. Occasionally I run into people who seem to think that if I just have enough faith, I could be married. But there is no "truth" that states that all men will be married by age 22. Faith in that concept would in fact be false and without root. Understand that faith is many times manifest by action, not by result. Too often I hear people say that single people must "lack faith" because they are unmarried. No. This is lack of a result. True it is that some single people also lack action. But that is not how it is for most of us. I know that the "faith to get married" is a true concept. However we oft times seem to confuse it with a magic coin, thinking that all a single person needs to do is put the coin in the machine and boom! A marriage shoots out of the slot! These are the alibi in the backyard type of people.

**** I understand that there obviously comes a point in every person's life where he or she needs to terminate his or her attainment of formal education. Not everyone has the time or resources to obtain a PhD or go to medical school. Moreover, there are obvious decisions regarding parenthood and marriage that in some situations clearly trump formal education. However, for those of my generation, insofar as you have the resources to complete an undergraduate college degree, you should maybe do so. For me, that is the end of the matter. If we are going to continue to spout the "you can be married and go to college" mantra, it needs to be adhered to. (Or does it only apply to men?) Even my great-grandmother (born 100 years ago this August) obtained a 4-year college degree. Again, not everyone has resources or opportunity to do such. But if you do have the resources, why in the world do you think it is okay to float by in life? Some of you have gone backwards. You will have less education than those three generations prior. Again, this is not for lack of opportunity. You have planted an oak tree and called it an orchard. No matter how large the oak grows, the rest of the acreage lies fallow. This is a harsh, yet ultimately telling depiction. Be careful in noting here that I am not indicating that you need to have a college degree to be a good parent.  Every situation is different. However, I do think we need to change our local culture in regard to education. Note, I am speaking in generalities here. If you have your own story, then that is perfectly okay. I am not trying to shame or judge you. But, as a general observation, we have gone backwards in some regard. I will leave it at that.

*****However I have no idea what those factors would be.  

Delaying Marriage (Part 2)

It's getting to the point where I'm no fun anymore.
I am sorry.
Sometimes it hurts so badly I must cry out loud.
I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are
You make it hard.
Remember what we've said and done and felt about each other,
Oh, babe have mercy.
Don't let the past remind us of what we are not now
I am not dreaming,
I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are
You make it hard.

¡Que linda! Me acuerdo a Cuba
La reina de la Mar Caribe
Quiero sólo visitarle allí
Y que triste que no puedo. ¡Vaya!
O Va! O Va!

[#418 on Rolling Stone's 500 Greatest Songs of All Time]

~Crosby, Stills, & Nash 

 

Last week was a bit of a rambling collection of various thoughts. I originally wrote most of that during a rather arduous Math 675 lecture last semester. It was the type of class that you showed up to and just sort of listened. The book was translated from German and was extremely hard to follow. Furthermore, the topic really had nothing to do with my thesis  and the class usually devolved into some discussion about typos or mistranslations in the text. Hence the reason I faded in and out and ultimately ended up writing a steam of conscience diatribe.

One really important theme that I am going to introduce here is the difference between "general society" and my "local society." General Society is very accepting of a large variety of lifestyles that run counter to the traditional lifestyles of the past. This is especially true in relation to marital considerations. Local Society is wholly not accepting of lifestyles other than their own. Much like Tevye the Dairyman, these are the champions of "tradition." I am in hopes that you are familiar with the distinction I am alluding to here. Perhaps you place yourself in one of these Societies. Finding myself as a citizen of both Societies, I must at times reconcile their disparate views. The result of such a compromise of opinions has at times led to me standing separate from both the General and the Local.

Tevye the Dairyman

If you have not figured it out by now, marriage is a trending topic in both General Society and Local Society. Hence the reason I formally introduce the two; they both vie to be the voice in marital matters, and the subsequent confluence of such Societies induces a collision of conflicting conclusions. If we are to speak of delaying marriage, it is critical that we understand the view from both Societies on such delays.

Let me add as a preface to all of this that I am not trying to made some sort of political advocation here. There are people from both Societies with views completely out of harmony with what I deem important, and there are also people from both Societies who present themselves with dignity. I just leave it at that. Furthermore, for sake of clarity and brevity I am going to use broad generalizations about both societies--generalization that probably are rarely the complete picture. This, however, should show us that perhaps we all lie on both sides of the line at times, we just do not realize it. Moreover, I am not trying to portray myself in the role of a victim. Let's be honest, I consider myself to be better than most of the world, so I seldom am too put out by untoward comments. Please also keep in mind that I am well aware of the fact that most people, married or otherwise, that I come in contact with manage to act in a completely civil and logical manner. If you are a normal married person minding your own business, what I say in here is not an attempt at criticizing you.

Now back to the subject matter.

To be plain, General Society and Local Society see marriage very differently.  Because of these differences, I have seen a certain level of "taking sides," where each body is pitted against the other. Today I am not going to focus on the actual collisions of these two Societies, but rather on one of the side effects.

As pertaining to marriage, the two aforementioned Societies have converged to their current positions rather rapidly. The foundation of the so called "traditional family" has been questioned repeatedly during this process. Due to this dissuasion by the General against what the Local Society usually considers the sole definition of a family, I have seem a marked effort from the Local to lay a line of demarcation between the traditional family and everything else. This has led to the rather odd occurrence at times of me being placed into a Society with whom I do not associate. I have even seen someone infer that if you are an unmarried male in the LDS Church and you do not have a family "of your own,"* you must be gay. Really? That's news to me. True it is that I know some men who are gay and also LDS. But I know an hundredfold more single men who are not gay. This reflects the general percentage-wise distributions of our society. Even jokes in the regard above are rather....inappropriate--whether you are "just in the grocery aisle" or not.

As a more subtle variation on the above theme, I have seen it inferred that somehow by not being married, I am attacking the traditional family. Or, at the very least, I do not get the importance of family. This is also a revelation to me. Now as I said, this theme is more subtle. It is also more prevalent than we care to realize. It is manifest in comments such as "Since I'm married, I understand the importance of (traditional) family" and "When you get a family [see *], you will understand how important ________ [fill in blank: marriage, children,....] is/are." More than once have I had the experience of someone sanctimoniously quoting an LDS General Authority on marriage as a way of shaming me or showing how they possess some sort of moral high ground that I have yet to conquer. Such comments are ofttimes not even said purposefully as an insult, but rather are just an appendage of the speaker's naïveté. Of course we will usually be better off by just ignoring things we deem offensive.  But let me give you a hint: Quoting a General Authority out of context as a way of shaming and belittling your audience is a rather poor method of motivation.

Why does Judy sing about clouds?

Since the title of this post deals with the delaying of marriage, I probably should actually address said topic. This post has up to this point been a bit heavier and dense than last week. Next week will be more like the first, with lots of low level jabs and much scoffing at hubristic pompiety. But today, we talked societies. That was the theme. So I will tie delaying marriage into that.

This really will not take long. Here is how it goes. Those in General Society delay marriage for many reasons that those in my Local Society do not. In fact, as was my thesis last week, I am not even sure that "delaying marriage" is the correct term to be using for most of the single people I know in my Local Society. I summarize as thus: Just because you read about "delaying" marriage in The New York Times or The Progressive does not mean you are well educated on the subject as it relates to the Local Society. Believe me. Look at the comments at the bottom of this article from the General Society on delaying marriage. These comments do not really look like anything I or my peers would espouse as our own views. Perhaps because I do not live in the "real world," I have entirely missed the boat here and there is in fact a large tide of single members of the Church purposefully trying to shirk marriage. But somehow that seems unlikely. Please feel free to relate below stories of persons you know who are purposefully dodging getting married. Mothers of opera loving daughters, this is your moment to shine.

Naturally, I am well aware of the several quotations from leaders of the LDS Church about "delaying marriage." I am not going to even address how many times I have had such attributions applied wholly out of context. I do not deal with radical quackery. Instead let me explain a concept that is important to understand in relation to what Church leaders teach. Sometimes we have a problem with mistaking a warning for an accusation. We must not confuse warning the caravan of the dangers of highway robbers with accusing the caravan of being highway robbers. For example, in the General Conferences of the LDS Church in 1971 (April & October), the word "drugs" was used 62 times. In the most recent two conferences (October 2014 & April 2015), the word "drugs" was used one (1) time. And it was in a talk about gay marriage. If we look at General Conference as a time for the leaders to get up and accuse members of sin, might we infer that the young people of the Church in 1971 had a drug problem 62 times more prolific than exists now days? Or were these words in 1971 meant to be taken as warnings--warnings which the high majority of people took note of and adhered to in the first place? You be the judge. Good leaders warn. Bad leaders accuse and point fingers. Unmarried does not equal delaying marriage. Blah, blah, blah. You get the idea.

Comment below if you so desire.

---

 *I have had people ask me before if I have a family "of my own." The answer to that question is "yes." It consists of my parents and brother. I got a family of my own when I was born. It does not take me getting married to understand the concept of having a family.

Delaying Marriage (Part 1)

Ah get born, keep warm
Short pants, romance, learn to dance
Get dressed, get blessed
Try to be a success
Please her, please him, buy gifts
Don’t steal, don’t lift
Twenty years of schoolin’
And they put you on the day shift
Look out kid
They keep it all hid
Better jump down a manhole
Light yourself a candle
Don’t wear sandals
Try to avoid the scandals
Don’t wanna be a bum
You better chew gum
The pump don’t work
’Cause the vandals took the handles

~Bob Dylan

Let me preface all of this by saying that I had to co-write and oversee a math test this week for the class I teach. So far the average is 65%, which is really low. But that's what happens when you have a long haired elf writing half the test (The half I did not write). Because of the time spent on running the testing game, I am introducing an edited version of a post I originally wrote a while ago.

I also sold a guitar amplifier via my online outlet, which took some time. Finally I bought and ate some tamales. That took less time. But it would have taken more time if I had not removed the shuck.

Gerald Ford eats tamales (with shuck).

Now for the actual post. Be warned that this is another one of those attacks on the Little Red School House (LRSH). I do not want this whole blog to become a dating/marriage/bliss'n'froofroo blog, but it is about the only topic I can talk about on general terms relevant to a public majority. This post has been through many versions. Most of it just turned into a rant. Some of the ranting has been snipped away. Some of the rambling rant is still present. I hope to be more organized next week.

In a recent newspaper article that I read, the topic of young adults "delaying marriage" was addressed. Most of us are familiar with this topic. It is a common one. This article was a summary of a study done by a researcher at my current university in cooperation with two colleagues at a university in Indiana. I provide two links to two articles about this study on "delaying marriage."

Here are the links: Marriage is still important to young adults,  and Young adults putting-off-marriage. You can read these if you so desire. 

This picture....so good.

I currently have been unable to read the actual study since it was published in a journal I do not have access to. (Do keep in mind that I work at a university that has access to probably a couple thousand research journals). It is hard for me to properly comment on something I have no access to, so I am going to refrain from talking about the articles specifically. 

Introduction to the Issues.
Articles like those mentioned above are rather common in that newspaper. They have taken it as their personal mission to rid the world of those who are not married in accordance with the ideal. It seems that almost every week, I see some sort of publication from this newspaper that speaks about the topic of delaying marriage. Maybe it would be for the best if I just stopped reading such things. But many times it is like a bad car accident. You just have to look.

In the topic of delaying marriage, we need to answer real questions, questions that are primary, questions that actually matter. Many of these questions are hard to answer. Admit that. Too often this topic is vastly over simplified and people resort to yelling useless platitudes and offering ineffectual observations. We all want someone to blame. No one wants to just come out and admit that sometimes we do not know why someone is unmarried. We assume that anyone over age 25 or so must have some evil reason for not being married. It's either porn or video games, right?

Again, as I have previously mentioned, there are indeed men (and women) with "issues." However, I would be hard pressed to point to any single people I personally know with "issues" that would make them categorically unmarriageable. That's one of the unfathomable thing about how marriage occurs. Marriage happens to imperfect people. Who knows why. Last I checked, ugly people can still get married. Unintelligent people can still get married. Video game addicts still get married (I once sat next to some at work). Hence it has always been puzzling to me when someone suggests a given unmarried person is still flying solo due to some wholly insignificant "issue" they see in said person's life. This is a manifestation of the strawman concept that I addressed a while ago.

This link is to an article written by a 29-year-old single woman about her life as someone who has yet to join the marriage club. She has an attitude that is much more positive than mine. About half of the comments left by anonymous readers on the article are laughably pompous or downright rude. I include only two (of 91 total comments):

"Judging from her picture, the person who wrote this article is attractive. Judging from her writing her personality seems okay.
My question is .. If she wants to get married, what is stopping her?"

"If an LDS female who looks like that would focus her efforts more on marriage instead of on defending herself, she probably could be married reasonably quickly."

Now of course I do not know anything about these commenters. Maybe they are really nice people. Yet clearly they have absolutely no flaming clue about how "the marriage game" works. These commenters are the types of folks who still think the Lakers should have gone for it on fourth down. Let me add that this lady who wrote the above article sings with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Why is she unmarried? Why hasn't a man asked her to marry him? (Because--alas--all a girl can do is wait for someone to pass her the ball). Who knows. She seems to have all of the advisable check boxes: Serves in the Church, has a college degree, interacts with the opposite gender, blah, blah, blah. The usual bullet points the "experts" cite. Maybe she has some sort of commitment issue. But there are a lot of people in the world who have problems with commitment, yet who are still married. Maybe she has an inflated opinion of herself. But I know lots and lots of pompous and proud married people. We could run down the whole checklist and probably not really come up with a satisfactory answer.

---

Overall, the most common conclusion I have seen about rising marriage ages is that single people just need to "stop delaying marriage." That is pretty much the message I see from some sectors. They speak of single adults delaying marriage in the same way I might speak of ice melting in the sun. They treat the topic as if it was a foregone conclusion that single people must be delaying marriage. Ice melts in the sun, so of course a single person must be lacking in some quality that would otherwise quickly lead to marriage. It is unfathomable to them that not all of us meet our beloved spouse at age 15. "You mean you didn't meet your lover in the grocery store?" Some horses don't breed in the barn they were birthed in, you know.

A clearance on chunky stuff.

These people reduce marriage to a checkbox and make the whole institution cheap. They ignorantly think that I can just go out and buy a marriage in the discount rummage bin at WalMart. I also have too little room to herein address this, but understand that your little quixotic dative paradigm is not deterministic. Social economics has never been an assembly line.

If you read the 35 or so comments on the second news article I first shared above, a significant portion of them focus on stories about "back in the day" or how "young people these days" are just looking for more gadgets. I have already addressed the "back in my day" stories in a previous rodomontade. But the attack on young people about just wanting more electronics is ridiculous. I have found that more often than not such claims come from some middle aged man with an iPhone 430-Galactica, a big screen TV, a boat, and a nice truck to pull it. Try again buddy. I live in an apartment with walls that are painted four different colors since the owner wanted to save money and only painted half of the bathroom. I have a "dumb phone." I do not even own a TV. I buy my clothes at thrift stores. I am currently wearing pants that have a huge tear in the leg--pants, I might add, that I have owned for 10 years. And I never have had someone tell me they are not getting married because they wanted a new car or boat instead.*

Now admittedly, I own four guitars and three guitar amplifiers. This is probably the most impressive gadgetry I own. However, these purchases have been made over the course of more than a decade. You have to spend your money on something. I need something to do for entertainment, since clearly no one wants to wade, skate, eat out, eat in, cook together, or bowl (Did I list them all Messrs Ginobli, Tex, and Parkes?) in these parts. Furthermore, as I mentioned above, I just sold a guitar amp due to its increasing impracticality. And believe me when I say, if I had to choose between bidding for a cream colored American series Fender Stratocaster with maple neck and buying an engagement ring, clearly I would choose the latter. So far I have not been asked to make that choice.

I also have single friends and associates who have visited places all around the world. But I highly highly doubt that they are traveling the world in lieu of getting married. What do you want them to do, sit at home and wallow with a box of ice cream, just waiting for married life to come to them so that they can be as happy as you are? [Scoff]. You live life with the cards you are dealt, not the cards that someone else is dealt.

Obviously, if you and your lover are delaying getting married after having dated for, say, two years, you are probably just unduly dragging your feet. But even if this was true, is it my duty to the world to call you out on it? I am well aware of the glory stories of getting married with nothing but a pack of ramen and a few little fish. Please accept my congratulations and condolences. Honestly, if that time was right for you, wonderful. I really have no issues with you getting married when you feel the time is right. Just do not begrudge me my chance to get marriage right for myself.

(To be continued next week.)

---

*I believe that there have been some studies that suggest that money is the largest factor never married college students cite in reasons why they are unmarried. Keep in mind that much of this research is based in asking singles in the 19-22 year old demographic why they are unmarried. However, such research does very little to explain why those around the median marriage ages (Say 26, 27 years old or so) are remaining unmarried. Much of our oft cited research on marriage too often seem to focus on those who are 7-10 years younger than the median marriage age. Get some solid research that shows that educated 27 year olds are delaying marriage due to money and then we can talk. Too often I hear well meaning people speak to single adults about the wrong (IMHO) topics in relation to marriage. It is an all too common practice to hear about some study done on non religious 20-year-old black women in New York and then drastically extrapolate it to religious 28-year-olds living in Idaho. Please make sure the study you are citing is relevant before trying to insinuate its results onto an unrelated population.

#How I Met My Wife

After a while you start to smile now you feel cool.

Then you decide to take a walk by the old school.
Nothing is changed it's still the same,
I've got nothing to say, but it's okay.

People running round it's five o'clock,
Everywhere in town is getting dark.
Everyone you see is full of life,
It's time for tea and "Meet the Wife."

Somebody needs to know the time, glad that I'm here;
Watching the skirts you start to flirt now you're in gear.
Go to a show, you hope she goes.
I've got nothing to say, but it's okay.

 

~Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

This is sort of a Part 2 to a previous post from the beginning of March where it was suggested that I needed to use a more radical approach to my finding someone to marry. I must admit that I have not adjusted my strategy much, even in light of that post. The green grass grows where the green grass grows. Perhaps this is due to an acquiescent acceptance that the filtration is incongruent with the matching criterion. That's nut job speak for the fact that we somehow think you find a girl to marry via a ritual of bowling and miniature golf. Maybe we don't actually think that, we just preach it.

Nevertheless, I am going to provide a few suggestions as to methodologies for finding the green elephant. That's nut job speak for providing suggestions as to how to find someone to marry. Many of you already have crossed that threshold, perhaps even by using one of these methods. If you found your spouse via an unusual method, consider sharing it in the comments below.

1. Opportunity Knocks (You Down). I knew of a man who met his wife by hitting her with a door and breaking her nose. This was total dedication on the part of the lady. She committed to take the charge and stood in without shuffling her feet. That's how you play both ends sometimes. #LockedIn. #NoSacrificeTooLarge.
2. Dear John. This is one of those classic stories that you hear as a mission legend. Boy gets a Dear John letter from his lover, companion starts to write to the former lover, they hit it off and end up getting married. This never happened to me from either end. But supposedly it happened to a pair of companions about five years before I arrived. Maybe this is why I had a companion that tried to hide the fact that he had a girlfriend that wrote him a letter every week, including photos. The letters would come in these cute little red envelopes. Maybe they were actually silent howlers. But wouldn't that defeat the purpose? Perhaps she was angry he didn't call her on Mother's Day. #TheyWereNotHowlers. #IKnowYouHaveALoverBuddy. #JustAdmitIt. #ISawThePhotos.
3. Dryer Lint. I think that this is one of those occurrences that could only happen at my current locale. There was a boy who cleaned all the lint screens at the local laundromat each time he did his laundry. It was probably just a manifestation of this boy's obsessive compulsive behaviors. But a girl who did her laundry each week at the same time as this boy saw it as a manifestation of his "focus on service." So they got married. Rumor has it that the girl used a pick-up line to the tune of "I'm stuck on you like a piece of lint. Your static is too attractive to resist. Will you marry me?" #WeirdlyAttractive. #Clingy. #NeverHangYouOutToDry.
4. Lucky Charms. The story goes as follows: You meet the future spouse at a Harry Potter dueling club. She's a Slytherin, you're a Gryffindor. But the moment you see her green eyes and amber hair you know she's the one for you. Together you will conquer trolls in the toilet, drink butterbeer, and probably get a bat boggey curse or two thrown your way. Just make sure that the punch at your reception isn't spiked with polyjuice potion. All it would take is one errant hair from the beard of that weirdo uncle of hers and your sister pulls a Hagrid. #TenPointsToGryffindor. 
5. Yodel-eh-hee-hoo. If you want to avoid the entire sister-becomes-bearded-giant fiasco, consider finding your spouse in a more benign setting. Take yodeling for example. The word "yodel" comes from the Austro-Bavarian word jodeln, meaning "to utter the syllable jo." Can't get more benign than that. Yodelers rarely have issues with spiked-punch-induced androgyny. Most civilized communities have a local chapter of the Yodeling Enthusiasts in Leather Lederhosen (YELL for short). The dues are very reasonable, especially considering the fine-looking frauleins that frequently flock to yodel with YELL. No price is too large for opportunities like that. And it's not everyday that you can appear in public in lederhosen. Or a leopard print onesie. #HighOnTheHillWasALoneyGoatherd. #Yodel-eh-hee-hoo.
   
    
6. Criminal Intent. I personally have never heard of someone meeting their spouse while committing a crime, but I am aware of a guy who took a girl I know on a date to commit some petty thievery. They had to climb a few chain link fences, but who's counting? And one thing I later learned was that if you bring a piece of tough canvas you can cover the barbed wire without a problem. #LifeHack. #ThugHack. #ThugHag. #HagLife. #VVJailCellBlockC. #TechnicalFoul-890. #WingBacker.
7.  Running Down A Dream. This one is derived from personal experience. Almost 10 years ago now I was out running. I did this as a form of exercise. Near my living quarters there was a long hill. I ran up the hill. Then I started to run down the hill. As I was running down the hill I saw two people--females--also running down the hill. They did this as a form of exercise. I think. In some circles their movements would have been called "going slower than I can walk." They were doing one of those herky-jerky jogging motions that actually turns out to be slower than normal walking. So, feeling pretty good about my ability to run faster than I walk, I shot past them. After I was about 40 feet in front of them, I was feeling pretty high on passing the two jerking joggers and I tried to jump over a cement column (~one foot tall) where a street light had once been mounted. But, since it was dark, I missed the fact that the column had long bolts sticking out of the top. One of them caught my foot and I performed a nice head-first slide on the pavement. (This was probably a manifestation of last week's topic of karma). The girls caught me and asked me if I was okay. If I had been wise, I would have tried to work this to my advantage and gotten two new investigators. Instead, I shook off the fall and just ran away, road rash and all. This turned out to be a bad decision on multiple levels, since I next encountered a throng of people crossing the street to a baseball game. They kindly pointed out that I was "Bleeding a lot." But, if this ever happens again, I now know what to do. (As a side note, please understand that I don't usually judge people on how they run. Furthermore, I have seen lots of men who also have bad running technique. To the credit of these two girls, they at least got themselves out there, which is more than can be said for a lot of men.)  #TwoNewInvestigators. #"Jogging"
8.  Above the Ceiling and Below the Floor. This story comes from my friend's parents. They told this to us while we were eating rice and sausage at their house. This is an honest to goodness true story (I have added some details to make it flow though). I guess that about 30 years ago they knew a man and a woman who were both reaching age 31 and who also happened to live in apartments on top of one another. This was before mid-singles became a special interest group, so these two almost-31-year-olds knew they had to do something quickly. Because otherwise, how would they ever find a spouse if they didn't go to a single's ward? Thus, just nine days before he turned 31, and just three days before she turned 31, they met in his apartment and decided to get married. Mind you, they had never previously dated. The only face to face encounters they had was when they met at the mail boxes. But she had heard him singing Phantom of the Opera through her floor (his ceiling) and that was enough for her. A month later they got married. #ThereIsStillHope. #ButICannotSing. #AndIGetNoMail.
9.  Zoo Keeper. If you have ever been to a zoo (a real one, not the local preschool), you may have seen the elephants (Alas, they are not usually green). There once was a man who went to see the elephants. His friends all told him that if he just looked hard enough, he would see the elephants. They had all seen elephants before and were rather pleased with themselves. But in this man's excitement to maybe actually find an elephant, his fervent exuberance overtook him and his great aunt Agnes pushed him into the elephant habitat as he leaned over the railing. Luckily he was rescued by the elephant tamer, who also happened to be single and looking for a man among the elephants. #MyLifeAmongThePachyderms. #TheTermPachydermIsNowAnObsoleteTaxonomicOrderOfMammals.
10.  Your Honor. Have you ever had to serve jury duty? You will be subject to the process of voir dire and will probably just be sent home when all the games have been played. But they pay you $8.10 an hour and give you a tuna sandwich with chips if your servitude extends over supper. As bothersome as jury duty can actually be, if you are looking for a spouse, jury duty can be twisted to your advantage. Picture this. They lead all the potential jurors into the room and you see the cute little red-head of the group.

    

    I have no idea who this girl is.

    You manage to squirm into the seat next to her, even though it means knocking over that older lady with lumbago. (She wasn't going to make a good juror anyway.) The bailiff asks you your name, and you say "Charlie Brown." Red-head says "Heather Schulz." Next they inquire as to marital status. You: very single. Her: single. Then they ask "Occupation?" You say "Specialist." She says "Biofuels Chemist." (Score one for the home team!). You begin to realize that tuna and chips doesn't sound half bad now. Maybe you will get selected for a month long trial. That means sequestration. That means 16 hours a day with Miss Red Head. This could be good. This could be really good. Yes, these are the potentials of serving jury duty. #ResultsMayVary. #Specialist. #TunaSandwich. #WithChips.

Dating is Dead: Part III

I walked along the avenue
I never thought I'd meet a girl like you
Meet a girl like you.

With auburn hair and tawny eyes
The kind of eyes that hypnotize me through
Hypnotize me through.

And I ran, I ran so far away
I just ran, I ran all night and day
I couldn't get away.

~A Flock of Seagulls

This is the final installment in the rant. You will need to read the previous two posts to get caught up to speed if you are just joining us now.

Let me begin today by reiterating that I am aware of the fact that there are ladies who feel they have been marginalized by men only wanting to hang out. This is where a choice can be made. Contrary to how some view it, maybe the proper response to what you perceive to be too much hanging out is not to barricade your house until a Prince Charming comes knocking. Have you tried asking a boy on a date? Not everyone is culturally comfortable with this, but I am personally of the opinion that you either need to be the change or go to the bench. Bounce or be bounced. When you allow yourself to become victim to a restrictive social practice, how in the world can that be my fault? Stop blaming me when you fall into the pit of your own social Dawinism.

"Call me old fashioned, but....." Yeah, about that.

The movement within the society to which many of us are indigenous is not to give women less of a voice or to maintain a certain sort of paradigmatic status quo. This philosophy is not just growing in prevalence in the world, but within the Church (with a capital C) as well.

Asking boys on dates is not for every girl. Even some men are opposed to it. I guess I can live with this. But I am strongly of the opinion that when you ride the status quo train, you go where the track takes you and you do not complain to the driver when it does not go where you want. This is true not just in your puerile romanticism, but in life in general. 

These opinions on girls becoming involved in the asking process are usually rebutted with one of two thoughts: "That's a man's job" and "Back when I was young...." Perhaps these two views are really the same view expressed in different ways. In some senses, it is hard to argue with the first phrase. As long as "A woman's place is in the kitchen," I guess that I will concur that it is a man's job, not a woman's, to initiate all dative interactions. But wait, no well thinking person would actually say that first phrase. Why? Because it is from a bygone era.* I would argue that you cannot have progressive ecclesiastic and educational goals for women while retaining retrogressive social and systemic views to accompany them.  As for you "back when I was young" believers, all I have to say is that smoking kills. And it took a couple centuries to figure it out. Aren't we glad someone finally wised up?**

I remember reading a recap once of an NBA basketball game on January 26, 2011 between the OKC Thunder and the Minnesota Tiberwolves. A player named Kevin Durant (pictured above) was asked about how he had scored 32 points in the second half and pulled down 18 total rebounds for the game. Summarizing, he said something akin to "My shots where not falling in the first 24 minutes, so I decided I needed to just focus on grabbing rebounds. I think my rebounding sparked me a little bit. I started scoring when I became active on both ends." That's my philosophy. Be active on both ends. Any old fool can cherry pick beneath the basket and then complain when no one passes them the ball. You might have some other social perspective. That's okay. The NBA has  players who are pure scorers (e.g. James Harden). I just partake of a more progressive philosophy.*** And don't blame me when your barn burns down. I told you waiting around and smoking in the hay loft was a bad idea.

Not too long ago I was involved in an online discussion on the topic of hanging out. An "older" (her designation, not mine) woman told me her daughter had not been asked on dates because the single men in her area are all addicted to "Settlers of Catan." **** This woman's daughter just loves opera and no boy has asked her on a date to the opera house. That was why her daughter had yet to find a spouse: all of the boys in her town refused to take her to the opera. Darn those opera hating boys. The mom then cited the "back in my day" excuse as to why the daughter refused to run the floor or grab any rebounds. She wanted someone to pass her the ball, and she did not want to set a pick to get it! 

This mother concluded by speaking on behalf of the Church, and then claimed insight into psychological aspects of being a single man: "The church is becoming very concerned about the lack of interest in marriage.. Guys have it easier if motivated." So there you have it. A married woman in her sixties who also happens to be an expert on what it is like to be a single man. Several other people made comments of a similar (vain) vein. I am not going to feign intelligence on what most concerns the leaders of the Church, so no comment on that part of her claim.*****

I am not saying these people are evil or wicked. They probably are actually decent people. My intent is not to belittle this woman or her daughter. But I think that we should be careful about claiming insight where we really do not have any. Few things on the topic of hanging out are more annoying to me than when someone 40 years removed from the modern single culture claims to "remember what it's like to be single." It just doesn't ring true to me. I will fully accept that such persons may have insights that I do not have. If you have lived into your sixties and know less about life than someone in their twenties, you did it wrong. But such commentary comes with the caveat that it is from an outsider, a person who actually does not "remember what it is like," because they never were single in this era in the first place.

To continue with the comments on the opera lady and the online discussion I had, there were a surprisingly high number of people among the 241 comments on this forum with axes to grind on "hanging out." Filthy, wild, bombastic posts were made. Ad hominem was resorted to. Grammar errors were prevalent. The word "Council" was used in place of "Counsel" a disgustingly large number of times. It almost was frightening how many people there are out there with radicalized views on the topic of hanging out. Some of these had seemingly devoted their lives to satisfying personal vendettas. Perhaps I am one of them.

Conclusion.
I think that we still have yet to ask some of the most important questions pertaining to hanging out. Yes, hanging out happens, but WHY? Are single adults of this era made of lower quality material? Are these the same young people who are serving missions at increasingly higher rates, even with a raising of the bar?  Really? Why the nose dive all of the sudden? Sometimes I feel like we are going to the doctor for chest pain and all the doctor can say is "well, I think you have chest pain." No duh. I could have diagnosed that my self. Tell us how to fix it. I know hanging out is a "problem" for some people. Have we ever thought to ask why these single adults are hanging out? I personally feel that that is the real question we need to answer. Some single people hang out. We know that. Now we need to answer the question as to why they do. And might I suggest it is not just because single adults "lack commitment" or some other hooey trash like that.

I think we also need to fully admit that hanging out has been going on for a lot longer than we care to acknowledge. What else would you call a church dance, with its strange mix of sexually veiled lyrics and lots of standing by the sidelines? Yet church dances are sanctioned hanging out that we pat ourselves on the backs for. (Naturally there will be different experiences with dances. I for one do not like them.) My overall point is not that church dances are wicked. Rather, I am indicating that the YSA culture has institutionalized hanging out. I am going to refrain from making a list, so as to avoid starting a fire I do not want to put out.

For me personally, writing all of this has been rather cathartic. I'm not gonna lie: it feels good to throw eggs at the little red school house. Although perhaps it is merely a Pyrrhic victory.

There is a lot more I could say on this, but I am now out of time.  I summarize with three thesis points:

1. Actually do your research. Sure, I study statistics for a living so I care a lot about actual data backing up my claims. But still, do your research. Do not just buy into every agenda driven piece of baseless "social research."
2. Stop wishing that the Bucks still had Lew Alcindor. He and the era's short shorts have retired. Run the floor. Play both ends. Or be benched.
3. Ask the questions that actually need to be asked. Ask why. Ask how. 

I cannot address every concern. I have seen "hanging out" lumped in with topics wholly unrelated in severity. Some people have very valid difficulties relating to marriage. This is not a post about spousal abuse. This is not a post about pornography. Hanging out is categorically different from these evils. Please "get" that. Please. There are of course all sorts of societal ills in relation to marriage. Marriage is perhaps the most fought over topic in the political and public sphere. But hanging out is hardly on the same level as these debates. Hence nothing I said here should in any way be extrapolated to  these topics. Because they are not even close to being the same. 

Let me also add that writing this has allowed me to examine my approaches to how I play the game. There were some times where I really was just sort of going through the motions. Composing this long post has helped me see where I can improve my play on both ends of the court. As always, what I say here is my own opinion. I am not trying to necessarily change your opinion on these issues. But I think that it is important to present my story. There are of course people who think I am way off base on this. That is fine. I've been butting heads with people since 2nd grade with Mrs. Stwetchipants. I am sure I am a hiss and a byword to many a young lady. However, now my view is written. And that's really all I wanted to do in the first place.

---

*Understand that I am not trying to belittle women that stay home with their children. Some women choose to work. Some women need to work. My mother was a stay at home mom. It worked well for us. But her place was never "the kitchen."

**This whole "back when we were young" idea is a strange one. It is like a man that used to ride bus 34 on the Blue line still going to the bus stop everyday even though the bus company cancelled that bus back in 1967. Buddy, the bus don't come to these parts no more. And sitting here on the busted bench waiting for it is not going to make it come back. "What you've gotta do is get some hot cakes and..." Those good old Luddites.

***I will here add that the (Nobel Prize winning) Gale-Shapely algorithm in social economics shows that a linear asking methodology with men as the initiating variable leads to women being married to less desirable spouses (i.e. male optimal) than if women had also participated in some iterations as leading variables. In layman's terms, when women will not ask, and men abide by such, women marry a less desirable spouse than if they had participated in asking. Look it up. It is called "Male optimality of the Gale-Shapely Algorithm." This is an example of how we allow traditional social perceptions to lead us to poorer social choices. Here are some papers you can read. Or you can remain ignorant but happy in your social paradigm. Male Optimal Pairs, Major Source on GSAlg. Check out Theorem 1.2.3 of the second link. Male optimal pairing patterns lead to the woman being in the minimal [worst] stable marriage in the discrete space of possible stable pairings. Some of this sounds silly, but it is actually a huge area of study in game theory and social economics. Food for thought.

**** I know that some of you really like Settlers of Catan. I have absolutely nothing against the game at all, nor I am at all trying to shame you for playing it. This was just what the lady blamed for her daughter not being married.  

***** This post is already way too long, but I need to say this one thing: There is strong evidence that the leaders of the Church are concerned about the decline of families in the United States. Hence they talk about the importance of family. Part of that is marriage. Again, I cannot speak from the perspective of the leading councils of the Church, but for me personally, the day where the social practice of dating becomes the emblem of the doctrines of the family and marriage is the day where we have gone far afield from the cause which we should be committing ourselves to sustain.

Dating is Dead: Part II

And if she asks you why you can tell her that I told you,

That I'm tired of Castles in the Air.

I've got a dream I want the world to share in castle walls,

Just leave me to despair.

~Don McLean

The following is the second installment of a post started last week. You will need to read the first post to understand this one.

The true tale I will now share is a rather extreme example; however I think the story establishes a certain principle.

I remember a time that I met a professor in his office to get him to sign a sort of permission slip (I am trying to be vague here to protect the innocent). He did not know me from a hole in the head, as I came from a rather large general ed class with multiple sections. The first inquiry was my name. He then signed the paper I needed signed. He then asked me if I was going on lots of dates. As I had literally been home for a mission about two months, I had not reached the quota of dating rates he was looking for. He then laid into me about "hanging out" and how it was such a pernicious evil and I needed to "repent and stop hanging out." He literally used the word "repent." And he was serious. He cared more about if I was "going on lots of dates" or not than he did about my work in his class, my major, or who I was as a person. Why is our society like that? This is not how to lead. This is not how to mentor.

To this man it was black and white. You either are dating someone, or you need to pray for forgiveness in sack cloth and ashes. There is no in between. You either kill whales, or you work for Greenpeace. You either watch Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood or you are a guest on Jerry Springer.

For just a moment, let's assume that hanging out is prodigiously endemic among singles. One  reason that some have suggested for the rise in "hanging out" is that young people do not know how to date. A romantic discourse of Jane Austen-like proportions  usually follows. These persons on the date-and-mate soap box fawn and foam over "how it used to be:" The froo-froo and hand-kissing, the carriage rides and courtship. Marriage in view, oh the joy! (All we can hope is that these people don't also want the accompanying corsets and layered petticoats). Yet where is the sense and sensibility in these frivolous tales and rules of courtship? It is much more appealing to meet someone of the opposite gender in a setting where you do not need to continuously be referring to a booklet of rules on how to act. The endless confusions on when (and if) to open all doors, where to stand, how to stand, when to bow, how to bow, how to dress, what to text, when to text, how to text, how to approach the door, how to leave the door.....yadda yadda yadda, becomes rather hard to keep track of. Honestly, some of this has become a damned if you do, damned if you don't type of thing.  And that is why people hang out.* It is an opportunity to meet on equal terms and strip away the facade of frivolities.

The last date hang out "meeting" (But not a 미팅) that I had with a girl was rather nice in this regard. We were just two people doing something together. There was no need to put a sociological title on it. Neither of us cared about what it was to be called. We did not need to go and write down in our little quota book what good people we were. Because we came from different cultures, we were forced to just "be." Neither of us felt the need to carry on some sort of ritualistic song and dance from yesteryear. I know that some of you may enjoy these dating rituals and rules. I do not. I find it petty and annoying. Perhaps my lack of reticence in this regard will be indeed damnable and all the girls in my area will black list me. In fact, some already have begun the paper work.

I have no pretensions whatever to that kind of elegance which consists in tormenting a respectable man.

Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice, 1811

There are many well intentioned people in this dating versus hanging out debate who exacerbate the problem of the dating facade with qualifying criterion, checklists, and catch phrases. While such practices may at times lead to better quantification of dates, they unintentionally also often lead to poorer qualitative results. Or, at the very least, they add yet another layer to the game of social charlatanism. 

Now take a big huge breath. Much blasphemy was spoken above. The progeny and the issue have been disgraced. Yet shall we not say that "nothing is more deceitful than the appearance of humility[?] It is often only carelessness of opinion, and sometimes an indirect boast."

Actual footage of a true story.

I will hasten to point out that there are indeed men that hang out in inappropriate proportions and ways. Absolutely. But as I have said before, I very very rarely hang out. Maybe I am an outlier. I also hasten to point out that the type of hanging out that Elder Oaks is addressing in the 2005 talk requires the participation of women. Sometimes they are even the instigators. There have been a couple of instances where girls have actually rejected going on a date with me so they could hang out.** (Facebook is a marvelous reconnaissance tool. Yes, I can see your photos of you on your "spontaneous" movie night). Overall I feel that the role of women in hanging out has been incorrectly portrayed in the past. At times, hanging out is made to sound like it is a bunch of villainous hungry men with bazookas chasing the women and the poor widdle picked-on girls need to lock their doors and bunker down (Perhaps to watch a wonderful documentary like Twilight?). Not so. This is a bit of an iconoclastic view of course, but here are a few of my thoughts.

I am a member of group on Facebook that different people can post about activities they are doing and invite others to join them. I sifted through the last 50 posts advertising an opportunity to hang out. I ignored posts that were advertisements for an official activity relative to the group (aka "Sanctioned hanging out") and or posts pertaining to someone's job. There were 30 solicitations from men. There were 20 solicitations from women. So hang out solicitations were 60% to 40% in favor of men. In all but three of the posts where food was part of the hanging out, men were either equal providers or sole providers of such. One other interesting thing I noticed was that three men in the group contributed to 83.333% of the hang out solicitations from men. The women on the other hand were much more distributed in their hang out invitations, with no girl posting to hang out more than three times. 

So what does all of this mean? Who knows. I think it did demonstrate that girls also instigate hanging out to a statistically (and practically) significant degree. I also believe it shows that, in general, men in this group are not just free loading off of the women for food. It was interesting as well to note that a set of only three men comprised a far majority of the invitations to hang out. I will refrain from attempting to further interpret these findings. Who knows what it actually means. But I think it shows that the accusations of men forcing the ladies into hanging out and providing the food are not as well founded as some want to have us believe. Insinuation that I freeload off of the single women in my area is insulting and ridiculous.

A few of you know El Toque. Remember El Toque (This is like the Alamo, but with El Toque). No girl ever gave him one crumb from beneath the cushions of her precious little sofa. El Toque fed people again and again without reciprocation and it disappoints me when he is labeled as a freeloading "single man."

This rant will be continued next week.

---

*There is scarcely room to speak on such topics here, but there are maybe about 30,078,103 levels of hanging out. Some types of hanging out can be way more productive than others. But I think that too often we get this image of hanging out as some overweight man in a wife beater, yelling at his woman to bring him another beverage in a can, and to make it snappy because the Celtics only called a 20-second timeout instead of a full. Oh, and after the game he is going to play Halo for a couple hours, so bring him a bag of Cheetos. Although, I really do not hang out anyway, so maybe that actually is what it is like. 

**A girl of course has every right to say no to a date. But then it would obviously be inappropriate to tell the bishop that the boys in your ward refuse to ask you on dates. Because that would be lying.

Dating is Dead.

Like the oyster cracker on the stew,
The honey in the tea
The sugar cubes, one lump or two?
No thank you none for me.
We're the golden crust on an apple pie,
That shines in the sun at noon,
Like the wheel of cheese high in the sky
Well ... we're gonna be sinkin' soon. 

~Norah Jones.

She looks like someone.

First off, I am pretty hesitant to even get into this topic because it is one big pit of tar. This blog has three distinct audiences. I am not going to detail them as to avoid categorizing anyone publicly. But this post might appeal to only a certain audience.

As a preface, please do not think I a trying to attack married people (Basic theorem: Dating does not equal marriage). I am not trying to attack marriage. Some of this needs to be said I think and my brother is tired of having to listen to me talk about it, so I am presenting it to a new audience. Thank you to the consultants for your contributions.

This post is a bit longer. It is sort of dense perhaps, but I wanted to say it all in writing. Please give feedback if you desire. Tell me if you think I am wrong. Maybe I am completely out of touch on this topic. Tell me where you want to see improvement.

Because it is impossible to entirely avoid talking about religion when talking about dating, I have been forced to occasionally mention religion here. I wish this is not how it was, but it is. And might I suggest that dating is not a doctrine of the gospel, nor is it connected to the four fold mission of the Church? (At least the last I checked). Sure, principles of the gospel can therein be applied. But cultural traditions are never doctrines. You cannot have a testimony about cultural traditions. Yes, yes, yes, "Dating leads to marriage." I'll let you keep believing that. And marriage is indeed a doctrine of the gospel (This is actually true!) But see the theorem I stated above. Am I saying dating is wicked? No. Am I saying that I do not seek consistent chances to charge like a champion into the coliseum of this cultural tradition? No. This is actually why I am addressing this topic: I am actually in the pit. I do not enjoy a soft seat next to the copious pageantry of the procurator.

Be warned: Esto no es un post feliz. However, for the millionth time, please do not think I am trying to attack married people. I'm not trying to belittle your testimony.* I'm not trying to advocate for any current political causes. And I'm certainly not trying to get you to purchase insurance against roosters eating your turnips.

Again, comment below if you desire. Or you can email me or write me a Facebook message. Do not try to come to my house, as the Witness Protection Program does not allow me to have visitors. This has hampered my ability to find a wife, but has admittedly increased my ability to eat cold cereal for lunch.

---

"Dating is dead." Sometimes I hear that phrase uttered. I have no idea whether this is true or not, as I have not checked the morgue lately.  In what preliminary research I could do, there seems to be no formal (meaning they actually use academic methodologies) study on the matter, especially as it relates to the demographic (i.e. non-pagan white male) that I am part of. There are a few blog posts (all by women) on the matter and they usually take one of two sides: "Dating is dead and I blame men," or "Dating is dead and I am darn glad it is." Maybe some of you are on one of those two sides.

One thing that commonly comes up in my locale when speaking on this subject is the term "Hanging out." There was a "study" done around 2002 at my university by a man named Bruce A. Chadwick. I use the term "study" rather loosely, as he cites no sources and never actually seems to give much hard data on what he found. He references a prior study "of young women attending colleges and universities across the United States" that purported dating had disappeared, but he never actually manages to say who did the study or how they reached their conclusions. Chadwick's "study" is informally introduced in a devotional talk entitled  "Hanging Out, Hooking Up, and Celestial Marriage." 

Chadwick does make the rather baseless (IMHO) comment "It appears almost all of you have the appropriate goal [to get married]; it seems that it is the implementation that falls a little short," a claim which he fails to ever back up with any sort of data. Even a 100-level statistics student should be able to tell you that such a claim could only be made if there was a study done showing that marriage (not dating) trends have declined because of hanging out. Yes, yes, yes, I know "the average marriage is rising." And has been since the Neolithic era. Let's be thankful that people have stopped marrying their 15-year old cousins.** But he fails to establish that fewer LDS people are getting married because of hanging out. But he stacks his straw rather well I guess.

The rest of Chadwick's speech is actually decently good, so I will commend him on that. But overall, the premise of his speech, and the comment "the implementation falls a little short," somehow seemed unsubstantiated. But maybe I just care too much about actual statistical evidence when such claims are used to affront my current situation.

Chadwick's aforementioned speech and "research" were cited as a source in the now famous "Dating versus Hanging Out" talk by Dallin H. Oaks, given May 1, 2005. Maybe such citation means that in fact Chadwick was preaching pure doctrine. Although, keep in mind that Elder Oaks also equally quotes from Time magazine, whose current issue (at the time I am writing this) has the headline "Strangers crashed my car, ate my food, and wore my pants." You be the judge.

I have mentioned before that this talk has become the dating doctrine for a lot of people. Elder Oaks explains social trends pretty well in his talk and he is absolutely on target with much of what he has to say. For my generation, this talk is sort of where "the dating (quasi)-doctrine" began its momentous ascent into the discourse of the social church. "Hanging out" became the vogue impropriety to blame and attack. Interpret this picture:

Those of you from the UK might name these anthropomorphic stacks of grass Aunt Sally, a phrase which here means "throwing wood chips at a pile of straw." I am going to be careful in wondering this, but sometimes I have to ask if hanging out is really the barn we need to burn. 

To be continued next week.

---

* As I postulated above, one cannot actually have a testimony of dating. It's like claiming to have a testimony about carrots. Carrots are not bad--they just cannot be assigned a truth value. And it would sound rather nuts to get up and claim that a group of concerned ladies wants you to feed them more carrots. Especially if they want those carrots from only a few gardens.

**Let's not even get into what the average marriage age rising means. More men and women are going to college. More men and women are going on missions. Averages are some of the weakest and least informative types of social statistics. Draw your own conclusions. Also keep in mind that there are multiple presidents of the Church who got married for the first time in their thirties. And several others got married in their later twenties. Furthermore, we still have yet to have a president of the Church who has followed the "approved/suggested" order of mission, marriage, college. If you play the "times have changed" card here, please don't pull it off the table in later installments of this post. If times have changed, then get your "back in my day" arguments out of the dating debate. You cannot have both eras. More on that later.