The Seven "Do Nots" of Dating.

Warning: This is not something from Stephen Covey or his affiliates.

We seem to have a lot of these Top 10 type of lists. But they are easy to write, so I continue them. The dating paradigm is of course my bread and butter. I do not want this to turn into a blog on dating, but slowly that is what it is becoming. We already have the 10 P's of dating; today I share Seven "Do Nots" of dating. We only have seven, as ten became too long. A few of these come from my own experience. Others come from people I have lived with. Some of them are literally just things I invented, but thought sounded cool. 

This Week's Date

1. Do not shake her hand at the end of the date. I had an associate who did this and it literally set him back socially for months. Then his charm and beauty kicked back in and he went on to glory. But, if he had shaken hands again, I am sure that some sort of "proper etiquette princess fairy" would have come down and whisked him away. 

2. Do not go ice skating. Maybe other people have had success with this, but I have not had good luck with ice skating. The first time I tried taking some girl to skate, she got "tired" in the first 3 minutes and couldn't skate. The second time I tried to go ice skating with some girl, I almost got my fingers cut off by a little kid that tripped me. Then on the way home my windshield defroster broke. The third time I went skating, the rink manager yelled at me for not wearing a helmet. I tried to tell him that shared helmets are how lice are spread, but he did not care. Luckily Mrs. Stwetchipants was not there to give her accusations.

3. Do not inform the girl of how you are doing in school. Never answer this question. Did you just get a D+ in Social Dance? Don't mention it. If you just kicked the living trash out of her in Math 450, when she asks how you did, dodge the question. If she wonders how you did in American Heritage and you say you got an A, she will quickly inform you she did not get such a grade, and then end the conversation with something like "freaks like you are what's wrong with America."

4. Do not inform the girl's father how you are doing in school. Especially if you have just met him. Perhaps later on in the relationship is the time to divulge the fact that you got much better grades in school than he did.

I once went to a girl's house to pick her up for an activity. Her father was out in the yard digging a hole. I do not know what he planned on placing in the hole, but it was rectangular and about 6 feet deep. Perhaps let's just assume it was a fallout shelter and not a potential grave. As it was hard to avoid a large guy toting a square blade shovel, I had to speak with this hole-digging-father. I stopped to shoot the bull and had to just hope he did not shoot me. Somehow my school work came up and I think I came across as one of those aforementioned freaks ruining America. His daughter is now married to a guy that digs holes in the wilderness.

5. Do not admit that you stalked your date on the Internet. Yes, everyone does it. But do not tell him or her that you know the names of all their siblings, the name of their shovel wielding father, the name of their pet turtle, and their mile time from high school. Also avoid letting on that you have gone through every album on their Facebook profile, including the one from 2006 when Facebook was still in its nascent stages and they were as well. This can be especially disturbing when you realize that you were in college in 2006, while your date, on the other hand, was in the 6th grade. This leads to the next suggestion.

6. Do not date someone outside your age range. Some people suggest half your age plus seven for the lower bound, and then subtract seven from your age and double for the upper bound. This would place my range at about 20.3365 + 10E(-16) years to nearly 40 years old. This means that I could date someone born during the Gerald Ford administration on Friday, then turn around on Saturday night and take out someone who was still in diapers when Bill Clinton declared "I am not a crook." (Okay, that was Richard Nixon, but.......) Hence I feel like this type of a formula works if you are in high school, but I am not super comfortable with such a wide age interval. (Although, I did know of a presidential candidate who married his high school geometry teacher, so perhaps he worked such wide ranges to his advantage).

Instead I propose a new formula for men*:

ageRange<-function(yourAge){
  lowBound = (sqrt(yourAge + 5)-9/11)^2
  upBound = (sqrt(yourAge + 3)+2/23)^2
  interval = c(lowBound, upBound)
  return(interval)
}

This is some R code if you decide to run it for yourself. Or you can try this calculator I have provided. This runs the above formula. My associate helped implement some of the Javascript for this. I am still working on making the formula for females more reasonable. Maybe at some point I will get a better formula, but for now, the female button has limited accuracy.


I actually am quite pleased with this formula, as it gives very reasonable age ranges for a much larger variety of people. The formula is consistent clear up for people that are past the century mark (88.90168 to 104.77259 years old is their range). If you are, say, 33 years old, you could date people that are between 28.582 and 37.051 years old. Much better than the 23.5 to 52 years old range suggested by the first formula. My range is 22.98535 years to 30.45215 years. I actually sometimes associate with people in those ranges, so this is a far superior estimate to that whole minus 7 and double thing.

7. Do not kiss while holding a cat. If you have seen the final scene of Breakfast at Tiffany's, you know what I mean. Or, if you have tried it, you know what I mean. Also, do not kiss dogs. Period. Amen. This second suggestion has nothing to do with dating. At least usually.......

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*My consultant for the blog informed me that there should be a separate formula for women. Perhaps the formula for women can be mirrored from the men's formula by reversing the center value differences. This allows us to make the consistency claim. I will write some code in R for you if you desire. A very difficult thing to capture is the fact that it is okay for a 35 year old man to date a 23 year old woman, but it all depends who initiates the relationship. For now though, my formula is only to develop a suggestion. 

She Said Yes, I mean No.

I wrote this post a few months back, but it is being published just now "for a variety of reasons."

A few years ago I was in a Taco Bell and they had a pamphlet entitled "The Art of Saying No" in a holder on the wall. As I remember, these pamphlets were actually right next to the employment applications, which is a bit ironic. Or at least I think this is situational irony. I am sure that some English major will tell me my use of irony is wrong and will begin quoting Greek philosophy. Whatever. Maybe the true irony is that Taco Bell is giving advice on life skills and I actually am writing about it.

What did the pamphlet say?
We need to say no more often.

How do we say "No" successfully?
There's a right way to be happy, and it's choosing the right every day. There is also a right way to say "No." And sometimes you can say no without saying "No." The following is a "whine and complain story" that is not about any of you. Please avert you eyes.

I remember a long while ago, before The Beast went north and got cage rage, I met this person who was female. After a sufficient passage of time, I ended up asking her on some sort of "date" (It followed the 3 P's, but not the 10 P's. Well okay, a few aspects of the 10th P were present) and she said she would be happy to go, she just needed to coordinate her work schedule. She said she would "let me know" the next week what day worked. This turned out to be Absolute Rubbish. When someone tells you they will "get back to you and let you know," plan on them not letting you know. For about three weeks I wait for this girl to communicate with me. This was awkward as we saw each other often. But finally she broke the vow of silence and she spoke to me! She flapped her jaw about like this:

"(Blah Blah Blah small talk). Sorry, I got really caught up with dodging you for a short bald guy 'work' and forgot, Blah Yadadadada, Flub Flub Flub. But I promise with a cherry on top that I will talk to my boss and tell you what time for Friday this week. And I will get back to you and let you know." 

So being dumb I believed her. And she "forgets" again. After two weeks I ask her about it. She now says she ended up really strapped for time that week. (Oh really? I thought those Facebook photos of you on a "spontaneous adventure" last Friday with that dude that looks like Greg Wrubell indicated you had made time. That must have been a different person). Only after all of this do I realize that she actually is saying no using the "I'm busy = I would rather cuddle with an unbathed hyena than be seen with you in public" type of saying no. And it took a whole semester for her to say it. Absolute rubbish. Maybe this is dramatic irony since spectators of this debacle knew more than I, the actor in play, did.

Now if this female person had just told me from the get-go that she was "busy," that would have been fine. Then I could at least have moved on. I know that "busy" is a euphemism for "Leave me alone." Instead, I was jammed. Every time that she told me she would "get back to me" about the upcoming week, I had to avoid making plans. She could have chosen a more expedient way to say no.

Now the whole point of that story is not that I think this girl is a dumbo or that I was socially abused. The point is that I actually would have been fine with being told no, it just would have been nice if she could have done it a bit faster. I am too "busy" for that type of game.

So that is a whiner griner story about a girl that lives somewhere out East now.

The True History of Valentine's Day

You will either understand this post or you won't. I do not think there is much in between. 
As Valentine's Day is two days away, I will be relating the history of this storied holiday.

 First a few facts about Saint Valentine. He is the patron saint of epilepsy. He is also the patron saint of beekeepers. He was 5'8" (That is a height not a girth) with a penchant for salted pecans fried in BBQ sauce. I now quote from an original historical manuscripts procured from the Sentimental National Archive of Inane Love Stories (SNAILS for short). This is translated from the original 17th century Pig Latin:

St. Valentine's Day came forth on this wise. A beekeeper by name of Vinny did espouse himself to a woman by name of Honey Pie. (That beeth not a code name. That beeth an actual name). And behold, a son did spring forth and he did eat honey (But not Honey, for that beeth cannibalism), for his father did harvest the fruit of bees. And the son's name was called "Valentine," for he was not to be known by a true man's name, but by the name of a perfume that his mother had read about in Glamour magazine. Then forthwith did the child go forth and was seen of the villagers, who did say unto him "Ye shall henceforth be a beacon among the froofroo of the land and a pillar of fluffiness to the parts hereabout." Thus was his provenance in these days. And the child did wear lace and paper hearts.

The days would thenceforth pass, even 40 days and 40 nights, times seven, times 70 did pass in days (Making him near three score in years). And Valentine did indeed reach full manhood and decide he should seek to take a woman to beeth his wife. So he did call upon his man servant, and the man servant did prepare him a beast to bear his load as he journeyed to the Southland, because he missed Al'bamy once again, and he thought it a sin.  And he took his travel south, which is a three day journey by the coast of the land of few waters. Therat he did  find a young virgin of exceedingly fine beauty, working in the fields and keeping watch on the herds in the day. And she was named "Winertha Abernathy." And it came to pass that Valentine did espouse her forthright. From thence and forever now until this day has the occurence of this betrothal been known as "Valentine's Day," it being the 14th day of the second month in the 42nd year of the of the reign of King Kyupid. [End of manuscript]

This story depicts very accurately the deep meanings of Valentine's Day. This is a Holy Day, steeped with tradition. I hope that we can all honor its true meaning by wearing a beekeeper outfit and avoiding seizures. I will end with four stories about the honorable day.

I once had someone bring me a pizza on Valentine's Day. I still do not know who it was. But I have my suspicions it was Sally Lefty. And now that the culprit is probably married, maybe she should tell me it was her, since I still wonder who it was and it is driving me crazy.

There was one time about 4 years ago that I literally forgot it was Valentine's Day until this girl in my class came with flowers from her lover. Nothing else of note happened this day and somehow I mustered all my strength and went on with my life.

I also remember a time in second grade when I bought some Valentines for school, but I ended up 2 cards short. This was easily solved however by getting two cheap cards  from the 70s that my mom had lying around, then giving them to the bad kids in the class. They were mad, but Mrs. Stwetchipants couldn't do anything about it. That's what she gets for accusing me of having lice and making me dance the waltz with Benjamin Rutgers.

Last Story. When Barrack Obama was still in his first term, I went on a Valentine date with a girl named TT. These are not her initials. I actually do not know anyone with those initials. But I showed up to her house and she had a stuffed (Taxidermied) cougar on her living room table. Unfortunately I had overlooked bringing her a plush cougar, so we did not exchange gifts as I had suggested last week. We went and ate at a restaurant, but it was so packed that we had to sit next to the door. Remember that this was this winter. In the course of the date she informed me that she loved dogs--big dogs. I do not personally love big dogs. But she wanted a St. Bernard. And then, to make matters worse, she informs me that her father went to a university on a hill. And he liked it. I realized then that this relationship could never work. The end. Actually, that's not the end of the story, but the rest will be spoken of later (if you know how to make the proper connections.........).

The Valentine's Day Gift Guide

Most of us have at some point in our life gone to a dentist. Some of you have been multiple times. Last week, as I was lying on the dentist's chair, I began to think of the upcoming Valentine's Day holiday. Perhaps there is a correspondence between lying in a faux leather chair to get your teeth scraped with hooks and Valentine's Day. It is sort of like how a few years ago on Christmas the speakers in my ward talked about Christmas, on Easter they talked about Easter, and on Valentine's Day the theme was "Overcoming trials in faith." Some things just go together like creme filling and cookies. Nevertheless, I will be devoting the next two weeks to the beloved day of love. Because after all, wuv, twoo wuv is what has bwawt us togedder today.

Next week I will talk more about the history of Valentine's Day. This week I will be speaking about the gifts we can buy for our special someone. Maybe it is your wife. Maybe it is your girlfriend. Maybe it is that girl that has the office next to yours. Maybe it is your cat. But regardless of who it is, you should consider buying a meaningful gift for him or her. Here are some suggestions:

Flowers. There is no better way to tell someone that they are the bumble bee in your life than to give them flowers. And besides, wouldn't it be loverly if Miss Eliza Doolittle had some customers?

Chocolate Heart. If your person likes candy, a good bet is a heart shaped box with delectable morsels named "Dark chocolate enthroned in burning passion and caramel," "Smooth Nougat touched by love's milk chocolate hand," and (a personal favorite) "Whoops, machine just jammed and spat out something you might spit out as well (May contain fish, dairy, soy, rat, and peanut products)."

A Stuffed Animal.  He can get a stuffed bear for her......

 and she can get a stuffed bear for him.

Voila, stuffed animals for him and her. Bonus points will be awarded if you stuff the bear yourself.

Lobster Bisque. At least five children like it, so the girlfriend might like it as well. Avoid the hallucinogenic mushrooms though. Sir Charles didn't, and look what happened to him.  

Roaches and scorpions. According to a newspaper link here, you can adopt a hissing cockroach or a scorpion in honor of your ex lover. As per the report, the cockroach Valentine represents "the detritus of your love life." If you do not desire to send a Gromphadorhina portentosa to your ex-girl/boyfriend, perhaps your current beau/boo would be touched by such a gesture. No guarantees on that though.

Saltine Crackers. This is a gift that can be given last minute since most of us have a box of saltines in the cupboard. But these crackers are actually very useful, so your significant other should be impressed with how pragmatic you are. Include some slices of cheese if you have them.

A Poem. One time in a Korean class I had to write a letter to my future spouse. Don't ask. I tried to make it as sappy as I possibly could, since I knew that the instructor would like that. She was romantic like that. The letter needed to be one page typed. I was a little bit short, so I wrote the following poem to reach the end of the page:

어둠을 밝혀주는 당신

어둠 속에서도 나옆에 항상 있는 당신.

햇빛이나 슬픔, 내 곁에 있으며

당신은 내 품 안에 머물러 있어. . . .

현실이자 꿈이니

영원한 사랑은 이 게 아닌가?

You Who Lightens the Darkness
Even in darkness, you, the one next to me.
At my side in sunshine and in sorrow,
If only you were in my arms to stay.
Is this reality or a dream,
And is not this everlasting love?

I was just trying to appease the teacher. And I would not recommend actually giving this to your Valentine. She may need to be hospitalized afterwards. Or at the very least, she will need to see a psychologist.  Instead, try the following poem:

Butterfly like facial features,

And blonde wig on your head.

One of our earth's finest creatures,

With painted lips of red. 

Roses are a blossom bloomed,

And tulips are the same.

Seldom is such love consumed,

By passion's burning flame.

Tell me where your true love lies,

And show me your desire.

Burning, blazing, emerald eyes,

Have lit the inner fire.

You probably should avoid using this poem as well, since I think I just subconsciously stole the lyrics to a U2 song.