The True History of Valentine's Day

You will either understand this post or you won't. I do not think there is much in between. 
As Valentine's Day is two days away, I will be relating the history of this storied holiday.

 First a few facts about Saint Valentine. He is the patron saint of epilepsy. He is also the patron saint of beekeepers. He was 5'8" (That is a height not a girth) with a penchant for salted pecans fried in BBQ sauce. I now quote from an original historical manuscripts procured from the Sentimental National Archive of Inane Love Stories (SNAILS for short). This is translated from the original 17th century Pig Latin:

St. Valentine's Day came forth on this wise. A beekeeper by name of Vinny did espouse himself to a woman by name of Honey Pie. (That beeth not a code name. That beeth an actual name). And behold, a son did spring forth and he did eat honey (But not Honey, for that beeth cannibalism), for his father did harvest the fruit of bees. And the son's name was called "Valentine," for he was not to be known by a true man's name, but by the name of a perfume that his mother had read about in Glamour magazine. Then forthwith did the child go forth and was seen of the villagers, who did say unto him "Ye shall henceforth be a beacon among the froofroo of the land and a pillar of fluffiness to the parts hereabout." Thus was his provenance in these days. And the child did wear lace and paper hearts.

The days would thenceforth pass, even 40 days and 40 nights, times seven, times 70 did pass in days (Making him near three score in years). And Valentine did indeed reach full manhood and decide he should seek to take a woman to beeth his wife. So he did call upon his man servant, and the man servant did prepare him a beast to bear his load as he journeyed to the Southland, because he missed Al'bamy once again, and he thought it a sin.  And he took his travel south, which is a three day journey by the coast of the land of few waters. Therat he did  find a young virgin of exceedingly fine beauty, working in the fields and keeping watch on the herds in the day. And she was named "Winertha Abernathy." And it came to pass that Valentine did espouse her forthright. From thence and forever now until this day has the occurence of this betrothal been known as "Valentine's Day," it being the 14th day of the second month in the 42nd year of the of the reign of King Kyupid. [End of manuscript]

This story depicts very accurately the deep meanings of Valentine's Day. This is a Holy Day, steeped with tradition. I hope that we can all honor its true meaning by wearing a beekeeper outfit and avoiding seizures. I will end with four stories about the honorable day.

I once had someone bring me a pizza on Valentine's Day. I still do not know who it was. But I have my suspicions it was Sally Lefty. And now that the culprit is probably married, maybe she should tell me it was her, since I still wonder who it was and it is driving me crazy.

There was one time about 4 years ago that I literally forgot it was Valentine's Day until this girl in my class came with flowers from her lover. Nothing else of note happened this day and somehow I mustered all my strength and went on with my life.

I also remember a time in second grade when I bought some Valentines for school, but I ended up 2 cards short. This was easily solved however by getting two cheap cards  from the 70s that my mom had lying around, then giving them to the bad kids in the class. They were mad, but Mrs. Stwetchipants couldn't do anything about it. That's what she gets for accusing me of having lice and making me dance the waltz with Benjamin Rutgers.

Last Story. When Barrack Obama was still in his first term, I went on a Valentine date with a girl named TT. These are not her initials. I actually do not know anyone with those initials. But I showed up to her house and she had a stuffed (Taxidermied) cougar on her living room table. Unfortunately I had overlooked bringing her a plush cougar, so we did not exchange gifts as I had suggested last week. We went and ate at a restaurant, but it was so packed that we had to sit next to the door. Remember that this was this winter. In the course of the date she informed me that she loved dogs--big dogs. I do not personally love big dogs. But she wanted a St. Bernard. And then, to make matters worse, she informs me that her father went to a university on a hill. And he liked it. I realized then that this relationship could never work. The end. Actually, that's not the end of the story, but the rest will be spoken of later (if you know how to make the proper connections.........).