How to Plan a Wedding

Love and marriage, love and marriage,
Go together like a horse and carriage.
This I tell ya, brother, you can't have one without the other.
Love and marriage, love and marriage,
It's an institute you can't disparage.
Ask the local gentry and they will say it's elementary.
Try, try, try to separate them, it's an illusion.
Try, try, try and you only come to this conclusion:
Love and marriage, love and marriage,
Go together like a horse and carriage.
Dad was told by mother you can't have one
You can't have none.
You can't have one without the other.
~Love and Marriage: Frank Sinatra.

With my plethora of experience in all things marital, I felt that I should pass on my vast array of knowledge to you, the readers, on the topic of planning a wedding. Although I technically have helped plan only one wedding (in a role that I would describe as "riding shotgun"), please keep in mind that I have had many roommates, friends, associates, relatives, and neighbors get married. Hence I do indeed feel qualified to give this advice.

Here is my hand wave at a tacit disclaimer. Grains of salt should be partaken of while eating reading this post. 

• Choose a wedding date. When choosing a wedding date, perhaps the most important thing is to make sure that both you and your projected spouse can attend. After that, you may want to confirm that other special guests can attend. There is a direct relationship between how far in advance you notify prospective guests of the date and the amount of them that will attend. However, that being said, it is usually best to get married as quickly as possible. The longer you wait, the less desperate you appear. You need to appear desperate. As the old adage goes "Desperation is the mother of marriages." (As quoted in V. Anne Durson's book We Didn't Look Before we Leaped: A Retrospective on the Lights and Glamour of Rural Iowa). Although, there are several variations on that well known quote. To wit, "Marriage is the desperation of mothers," "Marriage is the mother of desperation," and "Mary's mother is desperate for her to get married."
• Choose the groomsmen and bridesmaids. Traditionally, these people were chosen as sort of "back-ups" to the actual bride and groom. If, say, the groom failed to show, the best man would step in and marry the girl. If the best man did not show, then the second best man would marry the girl. So on and so forth, much like the line of succession to the United States Presidency. This practice of "replacement" was formally stopped in the 1920s when county clerks were having to record marriages of the fifth best man to the third best bridesmaid. It just became too complicated. In fact, you will find that most wedding practices were started several centuries ago and have been perpetuated long past their pragmatic prime. 
• Select a photographer. You will need to select someone to take several hundred photos of you before, during, and after the wedding. Most people store their wedding photography in a box in their basement, so it is critical that you join in this tradition of archiving memories for future generations to find and discard when you die. The photographer will probably take some photos of you in various outfits a few weeks before the wedding. These are called "engagement photos." Consider stretching before these photos, as some of the poses require a degree of flexibility. If you wrestled or played football in high school, this will be in your favor, as many of the poses resemble classic moves such as the Full Nelson and the blindside blitz.
  
  
  
   

Some couples also choose to get what are called bridals and groomals. Bridals are photographs depicting the bride. Groomals are what infest your tent when you go camping. 

I should also mention that some wedding photographers are like anesthesiologists. This is because wedding photography, like anesthesiology, requires technical skills in Photoshop. (And don't even get me started on the malpractice insurance for being a wedding photographer.) Needless to say, such Photoshop skill do not come without years of practice and schooling. Heck, I've known photographers who have been going at it for 20 years and just barely perfected the "throwing leaves in the air while peek-a-booing around a tree pose." Expect to pay the photographer about as much as you would pay someone charged with the task of keeping you alive while under anesthesia. Because staying alive during surgery and having good photos to put in a box in the basement are both equally important. (It should be noted that Obamacare only covers wedding photography if you have a plan on the Gold Level or higher. I believe the same goes for anesthesia). 

• Choosing Colors. As part of your wedding, you will need to choose two or three theme colors for your wedding. As a rule of thumb, avoid choosing the same colors you wore to senior prom. (Moreover, avoid going to senior prom in the first place. Your life will usually be better without high school romance). One rule of choosing colors is noting the season. There is a complicated set of standards pertaining to colors that can be worn in certain seasons. For example, you cannot wear navy blue in the summer, since that is a winter color. You also cannot wear lilac in the winter. Basic, basic, doctrine here. And never wear yellow. White people do not look good in yellow.

• Pinterest. I cannot say enough good about Pinterest. If you are a girl over age 12, you should get a head start and begin planning your wedding on Pinterest right now. This site is the Mecca for wedding planning. Cookies, cake, cake pops, cup cakes, caked mud, dresses, suits, pictures, decorations, crocodiles, balloons, party favors, dog food, napkins, table runners, flowers, wigs, make-up....etc. All of this is on Pinterest, and all of it is important for a good wedding. If you do not use Pinterest to plan your wedding, you will have a bad wedding. I promise it will happen. It is honestly amazing how anyone planned a wedding before Pinterest came along. (Although, this probably explains some of the hairstyles at those weddings in the 1980s #PinterestFailBeforeItExisted). You must use Pinterest if you do not want to become the laughing stock of your community. I once went to a wedding and they had punch that was NOT PINTEREST APPROVED. I mean, who does that? Did they really expect me to drink lemonade that they just mixed up without consulting Pinterest? Total disregard for the proper way to plan a wedding. 

• The Announcements. After deciding on a date for the wedding and getting your engagement photos taken, the next step is to print the announcements. Timing is important here. If you send the announcements too soon, people will forget the wedding and will not come. If you send the announcements too late, no one will be able to come. The best timing is around 10 days before the wedding. This way people will be obligated to come, but they will not have time to stay very long and eat all of the food. 

Most people will already know when and where you are getting married anyway, so honestly, a Facebook group might suffice. Making people guess about some of the details is part of the fun of getting married. Everyone enjoys a good riddle, especially when it entails marriage. Because everyone loves marriage.

Whatever you do, make sure that you do not have typos in your announcement. Do not make a bad grammatical mistake like telling you're family "Your invited to my wedding."

Yes, this actually happened today. #IGoToSchoolHere

• The wedding reception. If you want to received gifts, you sort of need to have one of these. Or at the very least, you need to pretend to have a reception. I was once told of a couple that had a wedding deception. They got married in the morning, then skipped town before the reception. All the guests showed up (gift in hand!) to a reception that had been planned for that evening. However, having skipped town, the main attractions were in absentia. (Although, I honestly do not go to receptions to see the bride and groom; I go to get the food and tell snide jokes. Hence, not seeing the "main attractions" would be of little worry to me).  The glory of this wedding deception was that the bride and groom still got gifts, but did not have to stand in line to greet all the old ladies from the bridge club. Lest you worry about me myself "hosting" a wedding deception, I will be having a true reception the night before the wedding. Hence the deception plan is off the table (for now).