Fred Rogers Gives Dating Advice

It's you I like,
It's not the things you wear,
It's not the way you do your hair--
But it's you I like.
The way you are right now,
The way down deep inside you--
Not the things that hide you.

~Fred Rogers

This song has a more of a meaning than perhaps we realize.

This is an actual picture of Mr. Rogers with his wife Joanne.

Since this blog has pretty much turned into a cross commentary on the dating paradigm, I have decided to continue the trend. Last week was a hardcore rant. Many Little Red School Houses were belittled. Owing to the conversations I have had with several people, it seemed best that today I invite a benign guest blogger on and that I stay quiet for a week or so. Today we will be learning wisdom from Mr. Fred Rogers (Famous, so not a code name). If you do not know who Fred Rogers is, you are literally too young to be on the Internet reading an inappropriate blog such as this. But if you are familiar with Mr. Rogers, please take a seat as we learn about dating from the man with the sweaters that zipped.

Picture is not meant to infer you are a gorilla.

 Let me interject quickly that I was just reminded of the fact that I once had a roommate who bore some resemblance to Mr. Rogers. He even had blue shoes like Mr. Rogers. And sweaters. Lots of sweaters. That is all. Okay. Now for Mr. Rogers' advice. 

• Be Yourself. Neighbor, you are special.  Always remember that you need to focus on what you do best. There is no one else like you. Do not worry about what the girl thinks. She might find you boring. That is okay. When she is 65 she will be glad that she married a bore. Some of you may also fear that the girl will think you are crazy. I know that when I first showed my future wife Joanne my sweater collection she later wrote in her journal that I was "in need of a good psychologist. Or maybe a lint brush." Let's just say I am glad I never informed her I talk to fish and puppets for a living. She still doesn't know about the fish. And it took me a decade to fess up to the puppets.
• Puppets. In line with the comments above, let me say something about the utility of puppets in the dating game. I was married to my wife before I really learned how cathartic talking with a puppet can be. Puppets don't talk back, they only listen. When puppets do talk, they always offer sound advice. I believe it was Ms. Cow who first told me "A happy man marries the girl he loves; a happier man loves the girl he marries.” I would tell you what Lady Elaine Fairchild told me about marriage, but let's just say some puppets are more cynical than others.  
• Song Writing.  My college degree was in music, so I wrote most of the songs on my show. What the good folks at public television did not always realize is that many of my songs were first written as romantic tunes for girls I desired to go on dates with and eventually marry. Take these lyrics for example: 

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood,

A beautiful day for a neighbor.

Would you be mine?

Could you be mine?...
It's a neighborly day in this beauty wood,
A neighborly day for a beauty.
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?...
I've always wanted to have a neighbor just like you.
I've always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you.

This was written in 1949 for a girl by the name of Iola Beesly. I had been trying to convince her for some time to move into the vacant apartment above my own, but alas she found me "too thin" and "too happy."

• The Neighborhood of Make-Believe. A significant portion of my show was based in the Land of Make-Believe. You may experience a similar phenomenon in the dating world. In fact, make-believe is really what the whole dating paradigm is founded upon. This, however, can play to your advantage, as it will make the aforementioned usage of puppets easier. 
• Cornflake "Corny" S. Pecially. The resident Rockit® (rocking chair) maker in the Neighborhood of Make-Believe is a chipmunk-beaver mix named Cornflake S. Pecially. Corny is an unfortunate old fellow who never really was able to find much traction in the dating scene. A girl can only hear so many stories about oscillating furniture before she begins to long for a boyfriend with more scintillating hobbies (such as backgammon). Poor Corny even caused Daniel Striped Tiger--a truly patient soul if I ever did see one--to drift off during one of our rehearsals.
  
  Consider choosing your discussion topics carefully. A girl will be much more interested by a story with lots of excitement and intrigue than a story about your research on Californian agricultural methods of the 1960s and 1970s. Most ladies would prefer to be told about your adventures as a blazing-man-hunk who speaks gringo Spanish than hear yet another discourse about el cortito, the short-handled hoe. This does not mean you cannot be yourself. Remember neighbor, ladies are indeed looking for you to be yourself. However, they would like you to be your intriguing and suave self, not your actual self. 
•  X the Owl. X was always seeking to learn something new from his "Owl Correspondence Society." He was a rather wise old owl. Somehow he reached his 30s without being married. We considered dropping him from the show, but ultimately we decided that even on a family friendly show like "Mister Roger's Neighborhood" it would be okay to have a character who is a confirmed bachelor. This was of course pushing the envelope of propriety, but his chemistry with Henrietta Pussycat was too good to ignore.

• Calling the Ladies. One thing you may find yourself doing as a citizen of the world of dating is calling upon the ladies. Below, Lady Aberlin fields a call in the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. Sometimes calling a lady can be rather frightening. You may want to hide away someplace safe or sing a comforting song. As a younger man, before I met Joanne, I usually had to change my sweater several times just to feel ready to place a telephone call to a special lady. Mustering all my courage, I would dial her number using the olive rotary dial phone by my front door. Admittedly, I asked a few girls out using the voice for King Friday XIII. It just seemed easier that way. Ladies go for that type of thing. And remember, the ladies will love you just the way you are. At least occasionally.



A gentleman calls Lady Aberlin

• Lady Elaine Fairchilde. Lady Elaine is a very unique, self-confident, and eccentric businesswoman. Her first foray into business was "The Rapid Walking Beauty Counseling and Professional Bridesmaid School." Of course, when you look like Lady Elaine, you have to walk rapidly. After selling her beauty and bridesmaid school, she moved to the Neighborhood of Make-Believe and became the proprietor of the Museum-Go-Round. The Museum-Go-Round is a merry-go-round with a museum inside. In my own life, I have found that dating is also much like unto a merry-go-round. You want to get off, but exiting is rather impossible until the ride stops. So there you are, stuck on some oscillating hard wooden horse traveling in circles and people keep calling you "Toots." And no matter how fast or slow you want the ride to go, there is only one speed: "Slower than Desired." The similarity to the dative paradigm is rather remarkable really.

Hey Toots.

I would like to thank all of my neighbors for this opportunity to present a few of my ideas.  I close with these final words.

I'll be back, when the week is new;
And I'll have more ideas for you.
And you'll have things you'll want to talk about;
I will, too.

Delaying Marriage (Part 3)

I cannot turn to see those eyes
As apologies may rise
I must be strong and stay an unbeliever
And love the sound of you walking away
Mascara bleeds into my eye
I'm not cold
I am old
At least as old as you are
As you walk away
~Franz Ferdinand (The Band, not The Man)

I'll stop the world and melt with you
You've seen the difference and it's getting better all the time
There's nothing you and I won't do
I'll stop the world and melt with you

~Modern English 

Left a girl in West Virginia
Up there where that green grass grows
Yes I did
Got a girl in Cincinatti
Waitin' where the Ohio River flows
Oh, girl
I'm a ramblin' man.
Don't give your heart to a ramblin' man.
~Waylon Jennings

I quote three songs above because this is a longer post and you might need two or three songs to carry you through. And, as always, they have meaning as it relates to the given topic.

If we can all get the end of this post without being offended, it will probably be a miracle. The LRSH might get burned to the ground. The kicked dog bites. Please also remember that if you think I am talking about you, in all likelihood I am not. Let's not become too paranoid now. I have very little contact with the world or any of you. It has been years since I have even seen some of the people that read this blog. Hence it is rather unlikely that I actually would write about most of you on the blog. As always, I am not trying to call anyone to repentance. This blog is ultimately about me--and me alone.

Some have asked me if this whole blog is just an enumeration of excuses as to why I have not yet crossed the threshold of matrimony. See what you want to see I guess. It does not take away from the validity of logical argument.

This will make better sense later on.

I have already addressed in a post on March 26, 2015 some of the numeric aspects of the question of rising marriage age. Today I am going to focus on the claim that single adults are actively "delaying" getting married.

First off, let me openly admit that single adults are consciously delaying marriage. I have even done so myself. I was more socially active as a younger young single adult (i.e. 18 years of age). There were a few girls I could have very actively pursued marriage with.* And goodness, we could have been all booed up and gone through all of those beloved "hard times" that proponents of dirt young marriage love.** Or I could have served a mission. Non, je ne regrette rien.

I have employment that takes time that I otherwise could be hunting for a wife. I could quit school and work full time to find a spouse. Yet I am not quite sure I would want to marry a girl who was attracted to such mediocrity.

Nevertheless, I have long learned that it is considered better to be a darn fool and married than it is to be wise and damned. The only problem is that I am also a darn fool.

In all seriousness, I think there are single adults that do actively and inappropriately delay getting married. Hence this topic is oft addressed with some concern. Personally, I have not seen great evidence of this delay occurring, but I do live in a bubble. The issue arises, however, when we begin to think this problem is endemic among the never married. Perhaps I am just out of touch in this regard. Please also remember the topic of last week: Just because people in general society delay marriage for "wicked" reasons does not mean those from the local community are doing such.

Stories and Parables.
Here is a story. I had an associate that once considered quitting school because he was unmarried. He reasoned that if he quit school, he would find a spouse. He is now married with a kid. (Note that this is different than being married to a kid, as righteous as that has been considered at times). How did he find his wife? He went to graduate school. I guess it was a good thing he did not quit school.

My point here is that one needs to get married "when the time is right." It has never been my time. Sometimes I have had to make the decision that the time was not right. I live pretty comfortably with this. It has nothing to do with "lacking faith"*** or a desire to just have fun and avoid responsibility.

In Matthew 13 there are two parables that here are relevant: The Parable of the Treasure in a Field and The Parable of the Pearl of Great Price. In the parable of the treasure, a man discovers a treasure in a field and wisely sells all that he hath to obtain the field. In the pearl of great price parable, a pearl merchant seeks at length for a pearl and, having found such, wisely sells all that he hath to obtain the pearl. Note the one slight difference between the two parables. In the first, the man discovers the treasure in a field. It just happened. There is no mention of him digging every field until he found treasure. It just happened and when the opportunity came to obtain the treasure he took it. Understand that some people just find their ostensible alibi to heaven in a field.

However in the second parable, the pearl merchant looked for a long time for the pearl. That was what he sought, and he knew when he found it. His pursuit was not to just crank the lever at the K-mart and pull out a cheap plastic ring for a quarter. Do not show how ignorant you are about pearl shopping by thinking it is that easy. How silly it would have been for someone to question the merchant about delaying finding the pearl of great price. How inappropriate it would be to suggest that the only reason why the pearl merchant had to look for such a long time is because he lacked faith to find the pearl.

Neither method of obtaining the desired treasure was better. But the perceptive person can see the difference in the two discoveries. And note that neither 'finder' really chose his path. It just happened. Their only real duty was to be in the right place and act when the opportunity was there.

These treasure finders were ultimately subject to the timing of something larger than themselves. "Timing" is a theme I hear about often. People love to talk about "trusting in God's timing." (A true principle). But then these same people flip right around and ask me with a chiding tone why (in essence) God's timing was not 4 years ago for me. [Scoff].

Where is my Horse or my Vampy? Where's my Macintosh? Answer those questions and I will tell when my time is. Not everyone lives the starry-eyed fairytale, gazing up at the constellations. (I of course realize that few people actually have a fairytale marriage. That's why it's so odd that we promote such as reality).

I live among a good number of unmarried people. Pretty much every week I must make the following decision about a single person: "Is this single person a bad soul that needs to be reprimanded, or a good soul who needs someone to support them?" Consider asking yourself that question when necessary. For me personally, I find that giving the latter answer in the majority of cases brings both parties to a better and more meaningful sphere of existence. Please also make sure that you have a proper understanding of what it means to give support. Read a few of the words of President Henry B. Eyring, who was married at age 29. He understands what it means to be a meaningful mentor. If you think your life, purpose, and calling revolves around reprimanding others from your supposed moral high ground, you live a pitiful existence. You, sir, can go to the back of the line.

Education affects marriage age. 

It should be pretty obvious that a higher percentage of people in their twenties are obtaining more education than was common place 40 years ago. And there is pretty good evidence that educated people get married later in life (Why is that.....?). Maybe this means that we should stop encouraging education. It probably would lead to lower median marriage ages, which is all half of us care about any way.  And before we start to raise the "you can get married and go to school" flag, let me interject with this: "I know." Lots of people do this. It is just like how you can be in the US Navy and be married. Or how you can train for a marathon and be married. But there are few people who hear the music of The Bull--and that is why education has an effect. Whether we want to come out and admit it or not, education is only glamorous to most people once they marry it and start benefiting from the pay checks. But until then, they would rather avoid the dedication and drive it takes to truly succeed in school. Hot tubbing with the guy who has no plans is much more fun. This is why I have had people tell me to "forget graduate school and get married!" [Scoff].

But whoa, whoa, whoa you cry! "We all care about school" you say. Riiiiiiight. To quote Eliza Doolittle, "Don't tell me--show me." Until people stop bearing their testimony on Sunday about the "distractions" and evils of academics, I will continue to find it hard to believe that we actually value education. Until people stop dropping out of school to get married, I will find it hard to believe we value education. If you can be married and go to school, show me.**** Until someone asks me about school and actually cares what I have to say, I will find it hard to believe we value education. (That's in memory of el cortito). There are people in this world (righteous people even!) who would give everything they have to obtain an education that you affluent bubble heads are faking your way through. You can big talk all you want about first world problems, but that's the pump-action truth. 

I think of G.H. I think of K.J.H. I think of Y.U.B. People who are desperate to have the financial resources to obtain a college education. People whom you would see in the shadows if you could turn your head for two seconds away from the halcyon rays of the Pollyanna and pearls existence. These are souls who know true trial. How could I possibly see these people and feel like I could stand tall knowing I threw away an opportunity that these people fought for two decades to have a chance at? This gives a whole new meaning to casting pearls before swine. Big whoop if you still have a pearl in your hand. You just threw the whole rest of the necklace into a pile of hog dung.

But I digress.

This play of education on marriage rates has even been reflected in the marriages of the presidents of the LDS Church. There are of course many other factors in play here,***** but there is a strong correlation between those presidents of the Church who were well educated and those who married later in life. 

When you block for those who also served a mission as a young man, every college graduate who went on to become president of the Church married after age 26. I will ignore Lorenzo Snow (attended college in the 1830s!), who was first married at age 30, due to the fact that he did not technically "graduate" from college. There is another president of the Church who married at age 30. I will let you figure out who he is. But none of you were alive when he died. Unless you are 116. (If you are 116, please do not get married. You will cause the average marriage age to go up since your dating range is 103.669 to 120.905). 

Conclusion
This rant has become too long, so I am going to stop here. But I think "we" (a euphemism for "some people out there.") need to realize that marriage is not something I just go out and buy at the store. (I think I have said that about ten times now). 

• Marriage is a personal decision that someone else needs to consent to.  
• Repeated goading of single people to get married is what leads to weirdo men proposing after the second date. 
• And please stop comparing missionary service to dating. It's not the same. 
• Don't foolishly think that you can get unmarried people to "stop being single" by just commanding them in a stern manner. Being single is not something I need to repent of.  Take off the astronomy jacket.  
• If it took you getting married to figure out that family and marriage were important, that speaks volumes about you, not me. Don't think you have a corner on all that is good in life just because you got married at some approved age. 

As always, I cannot address all aspects of this topic of "delaying marriage." I have said an extremely small portion of what I could say. Maybe you have a different view on this subject. Please comment below if you desire. No one ever really comments, so I always wonder how many people I have offended. Yet they just keep coming back each week for another desultory philippic and harangue from beneath.  I know that I am radicalized on topics such as this. However I feel that public apathy is the reason that people get away with sloppy sociology. 

---

*Although they would have been unwise to reciprocate such pursuits. Opinion. 

** If you got married "young," please understand I have no problem with that. You got married when the opportunity was correct for you. 

*** It is rare that I directly talk about religious principles here, but there seems to be confusion about what faith is. Faith is not a magic coin that buys whatever you want. Faith is hope or belief in something that is founded upon true principles. Occasionally I run into people who seem to think that if I just have enough faith, I could be married. But there is no "truth" that states that all men will be married by age 22. Faith in that concept would in fact be false and without root. Understand that faith is many times manifest by action, not by result. Too often I hear people say that single people must "lack faith" because they are unmarried. No. This is lack of a result. True it is that some single people also lack action. But that is not how it is for most of us. I know that the "faith to get married" is a true concept. However we oft times seem to confuse it with a magic coin, thinking that all a single person needs to do is put the coin in the machine and boom! A marriage shoots out of the slot! These are the alibi in the backyard type of people.

**** I understand that there obviously comes a point in every person's life where he or she needs to terminate his or her attainment of formal education. Not everyone has the time or resources to obtain a PhD or go to medical school. Moreover, there are obvious decisions regarding parenthood and marriage that in some situations clearly trump formal education. However, for those of my generation, insofar as you have the resources to complete an undergraduate college degree, you should maybe do so. For me, that is the end of the matter. If we are going to continue to spout the "you can be married and go to college" mantra, it needs to be adhered to. (Or does it only apply to men?) Even my great-grandmother (born 100 years ago this August) obtained a 4-year college degree. Again, not everyone has resources or opportunity to do such. But if you do have the resources, why in the world do you think it is okay to float by in life? Some of you have gone backwards. You will have less education than those three generations prior. Again, this is not for lack of opportunity. You have planted an oak tree and called it an orchard. No matter how large the oak grows, the rest of the acreage lies fallow. This is a harsh, yet ultimately telling depiction. Be careful in noting here that I am not indicating that you need to have a college degree to be a good parent.  Every situation is different. However, I do think we need to change our local culture in regard to education. Note, I am speaking in generalities here. If you have your own story, then that is perfectly okay. I am not trying to shame or judge you. But, as a general observation, we have gone backwards in some regard. I will leave it at that.

*****However I have no idea what those factors would be.  

Delaying Marriage (Part 2)

It's getting to the point where I'm no fun anymore.
I am sorry.
Sometimes it hurts so badly I must cry out loud.
I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are
You make it hard.
Remember what we've said and done and felt about each other,
Oh, babe have mercy.
Don't let the past remind us of what we are not now
I am not dreaming,
I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are
You make it hard.

¡Que linda! Me acuerdo a Cuba
La reina de la Mar Caribe
Quiero sólo visitarle allí
Y que triste que no puedo. ¡Vaya!
O Va! O Va!

[#418 on Rolling Stone's 500 Greatest Songs of All Time]

~Crosby, Stills, & Nash 

 

Last week was a bit of a rambling collection of various thoughts. I originally wrote most of that during a rather arduous Math 675 lecture last semester. It was the type of class that you showed up to and just sort of listened. The book was translated from German and was extremely hard to follow. Furthermore, the topic really had nothing to do with my thesis  and the class usually devolved into some discussion about typos or mistranslations in the text. Hence the reason I faded in and out and ultimately ended up writing a steam of conscience diatribe.

One really important theme that I am going to introduce here is the difference between "general society" and my "local society." General Society is very accepting of a large variety of lifestyles that run counter to the traditional lifestyles of the past. This is especially true in relation to marital considerations. Local Society is wholly not accepting of lifestyles other than their own. Much like Tevye the Dairyman, these are the champions of "tradition." I am in hopes that you are familiar with the distinction I am alluding to here. Perhaps you place yourself in one of these Societies. Finding myself as a citizen of both Societies, I must at times reconcile their disparate views. The result of such a compromise of opinions has at times led to me standing separate from both the General and the Local.

Tevye the Dairyman

If you have not figured it out by now, marriage is a trending topic in both General Society and Local Society. Hence the reason I formally introduce the two; they both vie to be the voice in marital matters, and the subsequent confluence of such Societies induces a collision of conflicting conclusions. If we are to speak of delaying marriage, it is critical that we understand the view from both Societies on such delays.

Let me add as a preface to all of this that I am not trying to made some sort of political advocation here. There are people from both Societies with views completely out of harmony with what I deem important, and there are also people from both Societies who present themselves with dignity. I just leave it at that. Furthermore, for sake of clarity and brevity I am going to use broad generalizations about both societies--generalization that probably are rarely the complete picture. This, however, should show us that perhaps we all lie on both sides of the line at times, we just do not realize it. Moreover, I am not trying to portray myself in the role of a victim. Let's be honest, I consider myself to be better than most of the world, so I seldom am too put out by untoward comments. Please also keep in mind that I am well aware of the fact that most people, married or otherwise, that I come in contact with manage to act in a completely civil and logical manner. If you are a normal married person minding your own business, what I say in here is not an attempt at criticizing you.

Now back to the subject matter.

To be plain, General Society and Local Society see marriage very differently.  Because of these differences, I have seen a certain level of "taking sides," where each body is pitted against the other. Today I am not going to focus on the actual collisions of these two Societies, but rather on one of the side effects.

As pertaining to marriage, the two aforementioned Societies have converged to their current positions rather rapidly. The foundation of the so called "traditional family" has been questioned repeatedly during this process. Due to this dissuasion by the General against what the Local Society usually considers the sole definition of a family, I have seem a marked effort from the Local to lay a line of demarcation between the traditional family and everything else. This has led to the rather odd occurrence at times of me being placed into a Society with whom I do not associate. I have even seen someone infer that if you are an unmarried male in the LDS Church and you do not have a family "of your own,"* you must be gay. Really? That's news to me. True it is that I know some men who are gay and also LDS. But I know an hundredfold more single men who are not gay. This reflects the general percentage-wise distributions of our society. Even jokes in the regard above are rather....inappropriate--whether you are "just in the grocery aisle" or not.

As a more subtle variation on the above theme, I have seen it inferred that somehow by not being married, I am attacking the traditional family. Or, at the very least, I do not get the importance of family. This is also a revelation to me. Now as I said, this theme is more subtle. It is also more prevalent than we care to realize. It is manifest in comments such as "Since I'm married, I understand the importance of (traditional) family" and "When you get a family [see *], you will understand how important ________ [fill in blank: marriage, children,....] is/are." More than once have I had the experience of someone sanctimoniously quoting an LDS General Authority on marriage as a way of shaming me or showing how they possess some sort of moral high ground that I have yet to conquer. Such comments are ofttimes not even said purposefully as an insult, but rather are just an appendage of the speaker's naïveté. Of course we will usually be better off by just ignoring things we deem offensive.  But let me give you a hint: Quoting a General Authority out of context as a way of shaming and belittling your audience is a rather poor method of motivation.

Why does Judy sing about clouds?

Since the title of this post deals with the delaying of marriage, I probably should actually address said topic. This post has up to this point been a bit heavier and dense than last week. Next week will be more like the first, with lots of low level jabs and much scoffing at hubristic pompiety. But today, we talked societies. That was the theme. So I will tie delaying marriage into that.

This really will not take long. Here is how it goes. Those in General Society delay marriage for many reasons that those in my Local Society do not. In fact, as was my thesis last week, I am not even sure that "delaying marriage" is the correct term to be using for most of the single people I know in my Local Society. I summarize as thus: Just because you read about "delaying" marriage in The New York Times or The Progressive does not mean you are well educated on the subject as it relates to the Local Society. Believe me. Look at the comments at the bottom of this article from the General Society on delaying marriage. These comments do not really look like anything I or my peers would espouse as our own views. Perhaps because I do not live in the "real world," I have entirely missed the boat here and there is in fact a large tide of single members of the Church purposefully trying to shirk marriage. But somehow that seems unlikely. Please feel free to relate below stories of persons you know who are purposefully dodging getting married. Mothers of opera loving daughters, this is your moment to shine.

Naturally, I am well aware of the several quotations from leaders of the LDS Church about "delaying marriage." I am not going to even address how many times I have had such attributions applied wholly out of context. I do not deal with radical quackery. Instead let me explain a concept that is important to understand in relation to what Church leaders teach. Sometimes we have a problem with mistaking a warning for an accusation. We must not confuse warning the caravan of the dangers of highway robbers with accusing the caravan of being highway robbers. For example, in the General Conferences of the LDS Church in 1971 (April & October), the word "drugs" was used 62 times. In the most recent two conferences (October 2014 & April 2015), the word "drugs" was used one (1) time. And it was in a talk about gay marriage. If we look at General Conference as a time for the leaders to get up and accuse members of sin, might we infer that the young people of the Church in 1971 had a drug problem 62 times more prolific than exists now days? Or were these words in 1971 meant to be taken as warnings--warnings which the high majority of people took note of and adhered to in the first place? You be the judge. Good leaders warn. Bad leaders accuse and point fingers. Unmarried does not equal delaying marriage. Blah, blah, blah. You get the idea.

Comment below if you so desire.

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 *I have had people ask me before if I have a family "of my own." The answer to that question is "yes." It consists of my parents and brother. I got a family of my own when I was born. It does not take me getting married to understand the concept of having a family.

Delaying Marriage (Part 1)

Ah get born, keep warm
Short pants, romance, learn to dance
Get dressed, get blessed
Try to be a success
Please her, please him, buy gifts
Don’t steal, don’t lift
Twenty years of schoolin’
And they put you on the day shift
Look out kid
They keep it all hid
Better jump down a manhole
Light yourself a candle
Don’t wear sandals
Try to avoid the scandals
Don’t wanna be a bum
You better chew gum
The pump don’t work
’Cause the vandals took the handles

~Bob Dylan

Let me preface all of this by saying that I had to co-write and oversee a math test this week for the class I teach. So far the average is 65%, which is really low. But that's what happens when you have a long haired elf writing half the test (The half I did not write). Because of the time spent on running the testing game, I am introducing an edited version of a post I originally wrote a while ago.

I also sold a guitar amplifier via my online outlet, which took some time. Finally I bought and ate some tamales. That took less time. But it would have taken more time if I had not removed the shuck.

Gerald Ford eats tamales (with shuck).

Now for the actual post. Be warned that this is another one of those attacks on the Little Red School House (LRSH). I do not want this whole blog to become a dating/marriage/bliss'n'froofroo blog, but it is about the only topic I can talk about on general terms relevant to a public majority. This post has been through many versions. Most of it just turned into a rant. Some of the ranting has been snipped away. Some of the rambling rant is still present. I hope to be more organized next week.

In a recent newspaper article that I read, the topic of young adults "delaying marriage" was addressed. Most of us are familiar with this topic. It is a common one. This article was a summary of a study done by a researcher at my current university in cooperation with two colleagues at a university in Indiana. I provide two links to two articles about this study on "delaying marriage."

Here are the links: Marriage is still important to young adults,  and Young adults putting-off-marriage. You can read these if you so desire. 

This picture....so good.

I currently have been unable to read the actual study since it was published in a journal I do not have access to. (Do keep in mind that I work at a university that has access to probably a couple thousand research journals). It is hard for me to properly comment on something I have no access to, so I am going to refrain from talking about the articles specifically. 

Introduction to the Issues.
Articles like those mentioned above are rather common in that newspaper. They have taken it as their personal mission to rid the world of those who are not married in accordance with the ideal. It seems that almost every week, I see some sort of publication from this newspaper that speaks about the topic of delaying marriage. Maybe it would be for the best if I just stopped reading such things. But many times it is like a bad car accident. You just have to look.

In the topic of delaying marriage, we need to answer real questions, questions that are primary, questions that actually matter. Many of these questions are hard to answer. Admit that. Too often this topic is vastly over simplified and people resort to yelling useless platitudes and offering ineffectual observations. We all want someone to blame. No one wants to just come out and admit that sometimes we do not know why someone is unmarried. We assume that anyone over age 25 or so must have some evil reason for not being married. It's either porn or video games, right?

Again, as I have previously mentioned, there are indeed men (and women) with "issues." However, I would be hard pressed to point to any single people I personally know with "issues" that would make them categorically unmarriageable. That's one of the unfathomable thing about how marriage occurs. Marriage happens to imperfect people. Who knows why. Last I checked, ugly people can still get married. Unintelligent people can still get married. Video game addicts still get married (I once sat next to some at work). Hence it has always been puzzling to me when someone suggests a given unmarried person is still flying solo due to some wholly insignificant "issue" they see in said person's life. This is a manifestation of the strawman concept that I addressed a while ago.

This link is to an article written by a 29-year-old single woman about her life as someone who has yet to join the marriage club. She has an attitude that is much more positive than mine. About half of the comments left by anonymous readers on the article are laughably pompous or downright rude. I include only two (of 91 total comments):

"Judging from her picture, the person who wrote this article is attractive. Judging from her writing her personality seems okay.
My question is .. If she wants to get married, what is stopping her?"

"If an LDS female who looks like that would focus her efforts more on marriage instead of on defending herself, she probably could be married reasonably quickly."

Now of course I do not know anything about these commenters. Maybe they are really nice people. Yet clearly they have absolutely no flaming clue about how "the marriage game" works. These commenters are the types of folks who still think the Lakers should have gone for it on fourth down. Let me add that this lady who wrote the above article sings with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Why is she unmarried? Why hasn't a man asked her to marry him? (Because--alas--all a girl can do is wait for someone to pass her the ball). Who knows. She seems to have all of the advisable check boxes: Serves in the Church, has a college degree, interacts with the opposite gender, blah, blah, blah. The usual bullet points the "experts" cite. Maybe she has some sort of commitment issue. But there are a lot of people in the world who have problems with commitment, yet who are still married. Maybe she has an inflated opinion of herself. But I know lots and lots of pompous and proud married people. We could run down the whole checklist and probably not really come up with a satisfactory answer.

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Overall, the most common conclusion I have seen about rising marriage ages is that single people just need to "stop delaying marriage." That is pretty much the message I see from some sectors. They speak of single adults delaying marriage in the same way I might speak of ice melting in the sun. They treat the topic as if it was a foregone conclusion that single people must be delaying marriage. Ice melts in the sun, so of course a single person must be lacking in some quality that would otherwise quickly lead to marriage. It is unfathomable to them that not all of us meet our beloved spouse at age 15. "You mean you didn't meet your lover in the grocery store?" Some horses don't breed in the barn they were birthed in, you know.

A clearance on chunky stuff.

These people reduce marriage to a checkbox and make the whole institution cheap. They ignorantly think that I can just go out and buy a marriage in the discount rummage bin at WalMart. I also have too little room to herein address this, but understand that your little quixotic dative paradigm is not deterministic. Social economics has never been an assembly line.

If you read the 35 or so comments on the second news article I first shared above, a significant portion of them focus on stories about "back in the day" or how "young people these days" are just looking for more gadgets. I have already addressed the "back in my day" stories in a previous rodomontade. But the attack on young people about just wanting more electronics is ridiculous. I have found that more often than not such claims come from some middle aged man with an iPhone 430-Galactica, a big screen TV, a boat, and a nice truck to pull it. Try again buddy. I live in an apartment with walls that are painted four different colors since the owner wanted to save money and only painted half of the bathroom. I have a "dumb phone." I do not even own a TV. I buy my clothes at thrift stores. I am currently wearing pants that have a huge tear in the leg--pants, I might add, that I have owned for 10 years. And I never have had someone tell me they are not getting married because they wanted a new car or boat instead.*

Now admittedly, I own four guitars and three guitar amplifiers. This is probably the most impressive gadgetry I own. However, these purchases have been made over the course of more than a decade. You have to spend your money on something. I need something to do for entertainment, since clearly no one wants to wade, skate, eat out, eat in, cook together, or bowl (Did I list them all Messrs Ginobli, Tex, and Parkes?) in these parts. Furthermore, as I mentioned above, I just sold a guitar amp due to its increasing impracticality. And believe me when I say, if I had to choose between bidding for a cream colored American series Fender Stratocaster with maple neck and buying an engagement ring, clearly I would choose the latter. So far I have not been asked to make that choice.

I also have single friends and associates who have visited places all around the world. But I highly highly doubt that they are traveling the world in lieu of getting married. What do you want them to do, sit at home and wallow with a box of ice cream, just waiting for married life to come to them so that they can be as happy as you are? [Scoff]. You live life with the cards you are dealt, not the cards that someone else is dealt.

Obviously, if you and your lover are delaying getting married after having dated for, say, two years, you are probably just unduly dragging your feet. But even if this was true, is it my duty to the world to call you out on it? I am well aware of the glory stories of getting married with nothing but a pack of ramen and a few little fish. Please accept my congratulations and condolences. Honestly, if that time was right for you, wonderful. I really have no issues with you getting married when you feel the time is right. Just do not begrudge me my chance to get marriage right for myself.

(To be continued next week.)

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*I believe that there have been some studies that suggest that money is the largest factor never married college students cite in reasons why they are unmarried. Keep in mind that much of this research is based in asking singles in the 19-22 year old demographic why they are unmarried. However, such research does very little to explain why those around the median marriage ages (Say 26, 27 years old or so) are remaining unmarried. Much of our oft cited research on marriage too often seem to focus on those who are 7-10 years younger than the median marriage age. Get some solid research that shows that educated 27 year olds are delaying marriage due to money and then we can talk. Too often I hear well meaning people speak to single adults about the wrong (IMHO) topics in relation to marriage. It is an all too common practice to hear about some study done on non religious 20-year-old black women in New York and then drastically extrapolate it to religious 28-year-olds living in Idaho. Please make sure the study you are citing is relevant before trying to insinuate its results onto an unrelated population.