How to Plan a Wedding

Love and marriage, love and marriage,
Go together like a horse and carriage.
This I tell ya, brother, you can't have one without the other.
Love and marriage, love and marriage,
It's an institute you can't disparage.
Ask the local gentry and they will say it's elementary.
Try, try, try to separate them, it's an illusion.
Try, try, try and you only come to this conclusion:
Love and marriage, love and marriage,
Go together like a horse and carriage.
Dad was told by mother you can't have one
You can't have none.
You can't have one without the other.
~Love and Marriage: Frank Sinatra.

With my plethora of experience in all things marital, I felt that I should pass on my vast array of knowledge to you, the readers, on the topic of planning a wedding. Although I technically have helped plan only one wedding (in a role that I would describe as "riding shotgun"), please keep in mind that I have had many roommates, friends, associates, relatives, and neighbors get married. Hence I do indeed feel qualified to give this advice.

Here is my hand wave at a tacit disclaimer. Grains of salt should be partaken of while eating reading this post. 

• Choose a wedding date. When choosing a wedding date, perhaps the most important thing is to make sure that both you and your projected spouse can attend. After that, you may want to confirm that other special guests can attend. There is a direct relationship between how far in advance you notify prospective guests of the date and the amount of them that will attend. However, that being said, it is usually best to get married as quickly as possible. The longer you wait, the less desperate you appear. You need to appear desperate. As the old adage goes "Desperation is the mother of marriages." (As quoted in V. Anne Durson's book We Didn't Look Before we Leaped: A Retrospective on the Lights and Glamour of Rural Iowa). Although, there are several variations on that well known quote. To wit, "Marriage is the desperation of mothers," "Marriage is the mother of desperation," and "Mary's mother is desperate for her to get married."
• Choose the groomsmen and bridesmaids. Traditionally, these people were chosen as sort of "back-ups" to the actual bride and groom. If, say, the groom failed to show, the best man would step in and marry the girl. If the best man did not show, then the second best man would marry the girl. So on and so forth, much like the line of succession to the United States Presidency. This practice of "replacement" was formally stopped in the 1920s when county clerks were having to record marriages of the fifth best man to the third best bridesmaid. It just became too complicated. In fact, you will find that most wedding practices were started several centuries ago and have been perpetuated long past their pragmatic prime. 
• Select a photographer. You will need to select someone to take several hundred photos of you before, during, and after the wedding. Most people store their wedding photography in a box in their basement, so it is critical that you join in this tradition of archiving memories for future generations to find and discard when you die. The photographer will probably take some photos of you in various outfits a few weeks before the wedding. These are called "engagement photos." Consider stretching before these photos, as some of the poses require a degree of flexibility. If you wrestled or played football in high school, this will be in your favor, as many of the poses resemble classic moves such as the Full Nelson and the blindside blitz.
  
  
  
   

Some couples also choose to get what are called bridals and groomals. Bridals are photographs depicting the bride. Groomals are what infest your tent when you go camping. 

I should also mention that some wedding photographers are like anesthesiologists. This is because wedding photography, like anesthesiology, requires technical skills in Photoshop. (And don't even get me started on the malpractice insurance for being a wedding photographer.) Needless to say, such Photoshop skill do not come without years of practice and schooling. Heck, I've known photographers who have been going at it for 20 years and just barely perfected the "throwing leaves in the air while peek-a-booing around a tree pose." Expect to pay the photographer about as much as you would pay someone charged with the task of keeping you alive while under anesthesia. Because staying alive during surgery and having good photos to put in a box in the basement are both equally important. (It should be noted that Obamacare only covers wedding photography if you have a plan on the Gold Level or higher. I believe the same goes for anesthesia). 

• Choosing Colors. As part of your wedding, you will need to choose two or three theme colors for your wedding. As a rule of thumb, avoid choosing the same colors you wore to senior prom. (Moreover, avoid going to senior prom in the first place. Your life will usually be better without high school romance). One rule of choosing colors is noting the season. There is a complicated set of standards pertaining to colors that can be worn in certain seasons. For example, you cannot wear navy blue in the summer, since that is a winter color. You also cannot wear lilac in the winter. Basic, basic, doctrine here. And never wear yellow. White people do not look good in yellow.

• Pinterest. I cannot say enough good about Pinterest. If you are a girl over age 12, you should get a head start and begin planning your wedding on Pinterest right now. This site is the Mecca for wedding planning. Cookies, cake, cake pops, cup cakes, caked mud, dresses, suits, pictures, decorations, crocodiles, balloons, party favors, dog food, napkins, table runners, flowers, wigs, make-up....etc. All of this is on Pinterest, and all of it is important for a good wedding. If you do not use Pinterest to plan your wedding, you will have a bad wedding. I promise it will happen. It is honestly amazing how anyone planned a wedding before Pinterest came along. (Although, this probably explains some of the hairstyles at those weddings in the 1980s #PinterestFailBeforeItExisted). You must use Pinterest if you do not want to become the laughing stock of your community. I once went to a wedding and they had punch that was NOT PINTEREST APPROVED. I mean, who does that? Did they really expect me to drink lemonade that they just mixed up without consulting Pinterest? Total disregard for the proper way to plan a wedding. 

• The Announcements. After deciding on a date for the wedding and getting your engagement photos taken, the next step is to print the announcements. Timing is important here. If you send the announcements too soon, people will forget the wedding and will not come. If you send the announcements too late, no one will be able to come. The best timing is around 10 days before the wedding. This way people will be obligated to come, but they will not have time to stay very long and eat all of the food. 

Most people will already know when and where you are getting married anyway, so honestly, a Facebook group might suffice. Making people guess about some of the details is part of the fun of getting married. Everyone enjoys a good riddle, especially when it entails marriage. Because everyone loves marriage.

Whatever you do, make sure that you do not have typos in your announcement. Do not make a bad grammatical mistake like telling you're family "Your invited to my wedding."

Yes, this actually happened today. #IGoToSchoolHere

• The wedding reception. If you want to received gifts, you sort of need to have one of these. Or at the very least, you need to pretend to have a reception. I was once told of a couple that had a wedding deception. They got married in the morning, then skipped town before the reception. All the guests showed up (gift in hand!) to a reception that had been planned for that evening. However, having skipped town, the main attractions were in absentia. (Although, I honestly do not go to receptions to see the bride and groom; I go to get the food and tell snide jokes. Hence, not seeing the "main attractions" would be of little worry to me).  The glory of this wedding deception was that the bride and groom still got gifts, but did not have to stand in line to greet all the old ladies from the bridge club. Lest you worry about me myself "hosting" a wedding deception, I will be having a true reception the night before the wedding. Hence the deception plan is off the table (for now). 

Big Families and Prison

You can spend all your time making money
You can spend all your love making time
If it all fell to pieces tomorrow
Would you still be mine?

And when you're looking for your freedom
(Nobody seems to care)
And you can't find the door
(Can't find it anywhere)
When there's nothing to believe in
Still you're coming back, you're running back
You're coming back for more

So put me on a highway
And show me a sign
And take it to the limit one more time

Take it to the limit
Take it to the limit
Take it to the limit one more time.

~Take It to the Limit (The Eagles)

This week I have included a song by The Eagles in honor of Glenn Frey, who passed away this week. Randy Meisner (bass player) mostly wrote the song above (and actually was the lead singer), but Glenn Frey also contributed. 

This post is not as light and fluffy as some recent posts have been. As always, remember what I say about Carly Simon. If you think this post is about you, it isn't. I am not here to judge you on how many children you have, when you have them, where you have them, how you have them, or even why you have them. This is merely a stream of conscience babble about a newspaper article.

Earlier this week I read a newspaper article about a recently published academic paper that used a 33 year longitudinal study (basically meaning "over time") to conclude that children from "large" families are less likely to succeed in life. This of course got some people rather riled up and many undies were put in bunches. Scriptures were quoted ("Multiply and Replenish!"). Presidents of the LDS Church were quoted (1850s, 1950s, doesn't matter). Mind bogglingly bad math errors were perpetuated. (Supposedly the birth rate of LDS couples has declined by more than 75% in the last 30 years. Because general conference said so. I must have missed that session). So on and so forth.

I read the study and, honestly, I think it was grasping a little bit. The upper tail of their data was rather sparse (families with > 6 children comprised about 2% of the subjects, yet were critical to the authors' conclusions), and there was significant confounding with the education level of the mother (almost to the degree where it felt like that should have been their key conclusion).

Since most of you have not come here to learn the nitty-gritty of statistics, I will refrain from going into all the details. However, rest assured that just because you come from a family of nine children, it does not mean I think you are going to go to prison. (Although you probably would be used to sharing a room, so there could be benefits to being from a large family and being in prison).

Due to recent events cataloged in the blog, the whole question of "how many children will you have?" is one that I have had several people ask me. It is the new "let me pry into your life" question. For single people, the question is "Why are you not married yet?" and for married people the question is "Children: when, where, and how many?"

Let me clarify that what I say in the blog today is not a response to that question. Yes, I have a general number in mind, but quite frankly, it is none of your (or their) business. And besides, how in the world would I know the actual answer? Sometimes we act as if one "gets a baby" by going to WalMart and buying them on a price rollback. (Hint, that is not how it works). The climb is more difficult for some than it is for others. (A thing which I claim no personal experience in, yet find some to be head scratchingly unaware of). It is of course sort of silly of me to lecture about this topic when I myself have no children, so I will put the stopper in here.

As most of you are aware, I have fewer than 3 children, but more than one child, in my family (don't botch the math there Mr. 75% Decline). Upon occasion, this has prompted people to ask me "Why is this so?" Almost like I needed an excuse or something. Maybe I should tell these people that I used to have five sisters, but they are all in prison now and so we do not talk about them. I mean, what type of response are these people looking for? Do they want a detailed fiscal and medical history? Do they want me to just come right out and say we are wicked in my family? (I literally think that is what some people have wanted in fact). The best reply I have used recently is to inform the imprudent inquirer that my parents grew up when Harold B. Lee was president of the Church and he only had two children, so... fill in the rest. No one has known how to reply to that one.

All of this is not a slam on people with large families. I just do not come from a large family, hence the reason I am not sharing my perspective on coming from such. Several of my best friends in school came from large families in fact. (None of them are in prison by the way). They are all successful people, which is to be expected.

I will close with two comments from readers of the article I linked above.

I grew up in a family of seven children and LOVED it. There was always someone to play with, give advice, help with homework, and have your back. We have enough for a small team in backyard sports, and board games were always entertaining! Out of these seven children came 4 bachelor's degrees, a beauty school degree, two real estate school graduates, 22 magnificent children and counting, and one very happy and huge eternal family. I would not trade the big family I grew up with for all the world!

I grew up in a family of two children and LOVED it. My brother was always there to play with me, give advice, help with my homework, and have my back. We played backyard sports together and board games were a favorite activity. Out of the two of us, we both have (or are currently doing) doctoral degrees. Only I am married (My brother is still in his mid 20s though) and neither of us have any children. My family is a very happy and eternal family. I would not trade the small family I grew up with for all the world.

While this second one was probably said somewhat tongue in cheek (Interestingly, twice as many readers liked it as compared to the first comment), I thought it showed successful families can be large or small. It is the same old argument of qualitative versus quantitative. We are good at the one, not so good at the other.

Comment below if you want.

After a Break.

I, I will be king
And you, you will be queen
Though nothing, will drive them away
We can beat them, just for one day
We can be heroes, just for one day

And you, you can be mean
And I, I'll drink all the time
'Cause we're lovers, and that is a fact
Yes we're lovers, and that is that

Though nothing, will keep us together
We could steal time, just for one day
We can be heroes, forever and ever
What'd you say?

I, I wish you could swim
Like the dolphins, like dolphins can swim
Though nothing, nothing will keep us together
We can beat them, forever and ever
Oh we can be heroes, just for one day

~Heroes (David Bowie) 

I have included a song by David Bowie today since he passed away this week. I have been rather amazed that there are people who have never heard of David Bowie. Here is a picture to jump start your memory:

Those of you who do know who David Bowie is (aka Ziggy Stardust, aka the Thin White Duke) are familiar with the fact that his catalogue of music is rather eclectic. As the old adage goes, Dylan went electric and Bowie went eclectic. Perhaps this post today is a bit like this. There are a lot of small bits that seem rather disconnected, but in all, they form a single whole for readers who know all the stories and can pick up on the underlying meanings.

As I was looking through some photos of Mr. Bowie I realized that he has a rather close resemblance to one of my associates. See if you can see the resemblance with someone you know.

Creepy, right? No word on if he has a buddy on the husky side.

For those ardent followers of the blog, you will know that I have not written for a while. The last time I wrote, the white Bronco had not yet headed east. Said horse has now hitched elsewhere. It remains to be seen as to what this will mean. It probably will go one way or another: lift-off will occur, or we will crash and burn. The odds are roughly 4:1 in favor of the latter I feel. But we will see. At least we can say that the odds are better than those for the likelihood of a tall can of cooking spray showing up on campus in a tacky corduroy jacket he bought at Goodwill. Because that wouldn't be safe. (By "safe" did he mean "not a safe win"? #HardFacts).

WARNING: Could explode at any moment

Except with tan pants.

Over the holiday break, I spent a considerable amount of time on the road. This does not mean that I literally was on the asphalt, but rather that I was inside a motor vehicle on the asphalt. I believe I slept in seven locations over the break. It was almost like I was a rock star on tour, except, of course, minus the millions of adoring fans and the private tour bus. But I did eat a large amount of food, which was probably bad.

My aunt has these amazing crescent roll things every year. Not that I ever take an exact count, but I think I ate 13 of them this year. In fact, I ate so much the Wii Fit nearly diagnosed me as being obese. It made me set a goal to lose some poundage by the end of eight weeks. That was two weeks ago. Not much progress has been made so far.

It is hard to know how accurate the WiiFit really is since its whole existence is contingent on people being overweight. It is like asking a car salesman if he thinks you need to buy a new car. As the old adage goes, "The camera adds 15 pounds, and so does the WiiFit."

I tried to work out on the WiiFit over the break, but I do not know if it made a difference. And besides, if you really expect the WiiFit to whip you into shape, you have hit rock bottom. That's what the TaeBo VHS tapes are for.

My goal is to look like this man--except remain white.

If you wondered, TaeBo is a portmanteau of Tae Kwon Do (태권도) and Boxing (복싱).....clearly the man is not aware that it's not called TIE-kwon-do (small pet peeve). I guess as long as people do not correct me when I say my phone was made by 삼성 I will be okay. Hint, it's not "SAM sung," as in the phrase "Sam sung a song" or something. The first syllable rhymes with bomb (but not comb or womb). Glad we got that cleared up. (Don't get me started on the high undies [Hyundai; 현대]).

I must admit that as of late I have become more aware of my ballooning weight. I am no longer the thin white duke I once was. (Okay, I never actually called myself that). It just has been hard to exercise as of late. #GlobalWarmingMissedMyTown. Maybe once the temperature gets to the double digits again I can go outside and exercise.

Sadly, I may at one point need to update my wardrobe since I no longer can fit into some of the pants from my mission. I did order a new suit from China, but it came and it was not really the right color.

Me, in the suit, before the large weight gain.

If I knew of any weddings, bar mitzvahs, or holidays coming up in the next month or two I would wear it, but alas, no such opportunity seems to be presenting itself. (Unless someone has failed to inform me of her impending quinceañera). (Are suits even appropriate for such an event?). This is probably for the best, since in my current puffy condition, I am not even sure I am fit to be seen in public. Or in private. Yes, perhaps it would be for the best if no one tries visiting me for the next few months while I work off all the cups of Christmas punch.

We will hopefully meet again next week. (Over the blog, certainly not in person. Not while the WiiFit continues to send me reminders to lose 15 pounds by February 26 [Six short weeks from tomorrow! I can hardly contain my youthful exuberance!]).