The Valentine's Day Gift Guide

Most of us have at some point in our life gone to a dentist. Some of you have been multiple times. Last week, as I was lying on the dentist's chair, I began to think of the upcoming Valentine's Day holiday. Perhaps there is a correspondence between lying in a faux leather chair to get your teeth scraped with hooks and Valentine's Day. It is sort of like how a few years ago on Christmas the speakers in my ward talked about Christmas, on Easter they talked about Easter, and on Valentine's Day the theme was "Overcoming trials in faith." Some things just go together like creme filling and cookies. Nevertheless, I will be devoting the next two weeks to the beloved day of love. Because after all, wuv, twoo wuv is what has bwawt us togedder today.

Next week I will talk more about the history of Valentine's Day. This week I will be speaking about the gifts we can buy for our special someone. Maybe it is your wife. Maybe it is your girlfriend. Maybe it is that girl that has the office next to yours. Maybe it is your cat. But regardless of who it is, you should consider buying a meaningful gift for him or her. Here are some suggestions:

Flowers. There is no better way to tell someone that they are the bumble bee in your life than to give them flowers. And besides, wouldn't it be loverly if Miss Eliza Doolittle had some customers?

Chocolate Heart. If your person likes candy, a good bet is a heart shaped box with delectable morsels named "Dark chocolate enthroned in burning passion and caramel," "Smooth Nougat touched by love's milk chocolate hand," and (a personal favorite) "Whoops, machine just jammed and spat out something you might spit out as well (May contain fish, dairy, soy, rat, and peanut products)."

A Stuffed Animal.  He can get a stuffed bear for her......

 and she can get a stuffed bear for him.

Voila, stuffed animals for him and her. Bonus points will be awarded if you stuff the bear yourself.

Lobster Bisque. At least five children like it, so the girlfriend might like it as well. Avoid the hallucinogenic mushrooms though. Sir Charles didn't, and look what happened to him.  

Roaches and scorpions. According to a newspaper link here, you can adopt a hissing cockroach or a scorpion in honor of your ex lover. As per the report, the cockroach Valentine represents "the detritus of your love life." If you do not desire to send a Gromphadorhina portentosa to your ex-girl/boyfriend, perhaps your current beau/boo would be touched by such a gesture. No guarantees on that though.

Saltine Crackers. This is a gift that can be given last minute since most of us have a box of saltines in the cupboard. But these crackers are actually very useful, so your significant other should be impressed with how pragmatic you are. Include some slices of cheese if you have them.

A Poem. One time in a Korean class I had to write a letter to my future spouse. Don't ask. I tried to make it as sappy as I possibly could, since I knew that the instructor would like that. She was romantic like that. The letter needed to be one page typed. I was a little bit short, so I wrote the following poem to reach the end of the page:

어둠을 밝혀주는 당신

어둠 속에서도 나옆에 항상 있는 당신.

햇빛이나 슬픔, 내 곁에 있으며

당신은 내 품 안에 머물러 있어. . . .

현실이자 꿈이니

영원한 사랑은 이 게 아닌가?

You Who Lightens the Darkness
Even in darkness, you, the one next to me.
At my side in sunshine and in sorrow,
If only you were in my arms to stay.
Is this reality or a dream,
And is not this everlasting love?

I was just trying to appease the teacher. And I would not recommend actually giving this to your Valentine. She may need to be hospitalized afterwards. Or at the very least, she will need to see a psychologist.  Instead, try the following poem:

Butterfly like facial features,

And blonde wig on your head.

One of our earth's finest creatures,

With painted lips of red. 

Roses are a blossom bloomed,

And tulips are the same.

Seldom is such love consumed,

By passion's burning flame.

Tell me where your true love lies,

And show me your desire.

Burning, blazing, emerald eyes,

Have lit the inner fire.

You probably should avoid using this poem as well, since I think I just subconsciously stole the lyrics to a U2 song.