I walked along the avenue
I never thought I'd meet a girl like you
Meet a girl like you.
I never thought I'd meet a girl like you
Meet a girl like you.
With auburn hair and tawny eyes
The kind of eyes that hypnotize me through
Hypnotize me through.
The kind of eyes that hypnotize me through
Hypnotize me through.
And I ran, I ran so far away
I just ran, I ran all night and day
I couldn't get away.
I just ran, I ran all night and day
I couldn't get away.
~A Flock of Seagulls
This is the final installment in the rant. You will need to read the previous two posts to get caught up to speed if you are just joining us now.
Let me begin today by reiterating that I am aware of the fact that there are ladies who feel they have been marginalized by men only wanting to hang out. This is where a choice can be made. Contrary to how some view it, maybe the proper response to what you perceive to be too much hanging out is not to barricade your house until a Prince Charming comes knocking. Have you tried asking a boy on a date? Not everyone is culturally comfortable with this, but I am personally of the opinion that you either need to be the change or go to the bench. Bounce or be bounced. When you allow yourself to become victim to a restrictive social practice, how in the world can that be my fault? Stop blaming me when you fall into the pit of your own social Dawinism.
 |
| "Call me old fashioned, but....." Yeah, about that. |
The movement
within the society to which many of us are indigenous is not to give
women less of a voice or to maintain a certain sort of paradigmatic
status quo. This philosophy is not just growing in prevalence in the
world, but within the Church (with a capital C) as well.
Asking boys on dates is not for every girl. Even some men are opposed to it. I guess I can live with this. But I am strongly of the opinion that when you ride the status quo train, you go where the track takes you and you do not complain to the driver when it does not go where you want. This is true not just in your puerile romanticism, but in life in general.
These opinions on girls becoming involved in the asking process are usually rebutted with one of two thoughts: "That's a man's job" and "Back when I was young...." Perhaps these two views are really the same view expressed in different ways. In some senses, it is hard to argue with the first phrase. As long as "A woman's place is in the kitchen," I guess that I will concur that it is a man's job, not a woman's, to initiate all dative interactions. But wait, no well thinking person would actually say that first phrase. Why? Because it is from a bygone era.* I would argue that you cannot have progressive ecclesiastic and educational goals for women while retaining retrogressive social and systemic views to accompany them. As for you "back when I was young" believers, all I have to say is that smoking kills. And it took a couple centuries to figure it out. Aren't we glad someone finally wised up?**
I remember reading a recap once of an NBA basketball game on January 26, 2011 between the OKC Thunder and the Minnesota Tiberwolves. A player named Kevin Durant (pictured above) was asked about how he had scored 32 points in the second half and pulled down 18 total rebounds for the game. Summarizing, he said something akin to "My shots where not falling in the first 24 minutes, so I decided I needed to just focus on grabbing rebounds. I think my rebounding sparked me a little bit. I started scoring when I became active on both ends." That's my philosophy. Be active on both ends. Any old fool can cherry pick beneath the basket and then complain when no one passes them the ball. You might have some other social perspective. That's okay. The NBA has players who are pure scorers (e.g. James Harden). I just partake of a more progressive philosophy.*** And don't blame me when your barn burns down. I told you waiting around and smoking in the hay loft was a bad idea.
Not too long ago I was involved in an online discussion on the topic of hanging out. An "older" (her designation, not mine) woman told me her daughter had not been asked on dates because the single men in her area are all addicted to "Settlers of Catan." **** This woman's daughter just loves opera and no boy has asked her on a date to the opera house. That was why her daughter had yet to find a spouse: all of the boys in her town refused to take her to the opera. Darn those opera hating boys. The mom then cited the "back in my day" excuse as to why the daughter refused to run the floor or grab any rebounds. She wanted someone to pass her the ball, and she did not want to set a pick to get it!
Asking boys on dates is not for every girl. Even some men are opposed to it. I guess I can live with this. But I am strongly of the opinion that when you ride the status quo train, you go where the track takes you and you do not complain to the driver when it does not go where you want. This is true not just in your puerile romanticism, but in life in general.
These opinions on girls becoming involved in the asking process are usually rebutted with one of two thoughts: "That's a man's job" and "Back when I was young...." Perhaps these two views are really the same view expressed in different ways. In some senses, it is hard to argue with the first phrase. As long as "A woman's place is in the kitchen," I guess that I will concur that it is a man's job, not a woman's, to initiate all dative interactions. But wait, no well thinking person would actually say that first phrase. Why? Because it is from a bygone era.* I would argue that you cannot have progressive ecclesiastic and educational goals for women while retaining retrogressive social and systemic views to accompany them. As for you "back when I was young" believers, all I have to say is that smoking kills. And it took a couple centuries to figure it out. Aren't we glad someone finally wised up?**
I remember reading a recap once of an NBA basketball game on January 26, 2011 between the OKC Thunder and the Minnesota Tiberwolves. A player named Kevin Durant (pictured above) was asked about how he had scored 32 points in the second half and pulled down 18 total rebounds for the game. Summarizing, he said something akin to "My shots where not falling in the first 24 minutes, so I decided I needed to just focus on grabbing rebounds. I think my rebounding sparked me a little bit. I started scoring when I became active on both ends." That's my philosophy. Be active on both ends. Any old fool can cherry pick beneath the basket and then complain when no one passes them the ball. You might have some other social perspective. That's okay. The NBA has players who are pure scorers (e.g. James Harden). I just partake of a more progressive philosophy.*** And don't blame me when your barn burns down. I told you waiting around and smoking in the hay loft was a bad idea.
Not too long ago I was involved in an online discussion on the topic of hanging out. An "older" (her designation, not mine) woman told me her daughter had not been asked on dates because the single men in her area are all addicted to "Settlers of Catan." **** This woman's daughter just loves opera and no boy has asked her on a date to the opera house. That was why her daughter had yet to find a spouse: all of the boys in her town refused to take her to the opera. Darn those opera hating boys. The mom then cited the "back in my day" excuse as to why the daughter refused to run the floor or grab any rebounds. She wanted someone to pass her the ball, and she did not want to set a pick to get it!
This mother concluded by speaking on behalf of the Church, and then claimed
insight into psychological aspects of being a single man: "The church is becoming very concerned about the lack of interest in marriage.. Guys have it easier if motivated."
So there you have it. A married woman in her sixties who also happens
to be an expert on what it is like to be a single man. Several other
people made comments of a similar (vain) vein. I am not going to feign intelligence on what most concerns the leaders of the Church, so no comment on that part of her claim.*****
Let me also add that writing this has allowed me to examine my approaches to how I play the game. There were some times where I really was just sort of going through the motions. Composing this long post has helped me see where I can improve my play on both ends of the court. As always, what I say here is my own opinion. I am not trying to necessarily change your opinion on these issues. But I think that it is important to present my story. There are of course people who think I am way off base on this. That is fine. I've been butting heads with people since 2nd grade with Mrs. Stwetchipants. I am sure I am a hiss and a byword to many a young lady. However, now my view is written. And that's really all I wanted to do in the first place.
I
am not saying these people are evil or wicked. They probably are
actually decent people. My intent is not to belittle this woman or her
daughter. But I think that we should be careful about claiming insight
where we really do not have any. Few things on the topic of hanging out
are more annoying to me than when someone 40 years removed from the modern single
culture claims to "remember what it's like to be single." It just
doesn't ring true to me. I will fully accept that such persons may have
insights that I do not have. If you have lived into your sixties and
know less about life than someone in their twenties, you did it wrong.
But such commentary comes with the caveat that it is from an outsider, a
person who actually does not "remember what it is like," because they never were single in this era in the first place.
To continue with the comments on the opera lady and the online discussion I had, there were a surprisingly high number of people among the 241 comments on this forum with axes to grind on "hanging out." Filthy, wild, bombastic posts were made. Ad hominem was resorted to. Grammar errors were prevalent. The word "Council" was used in place of "Counsel" a disgustingly large number of times. It almost was frightening how many people there are out there with radicalized views on the topic of hanging out. Some of these had seemingly devoted their lives to satisfying personal vendettas. Perhaps I am one of them.
Conclusion.
I think that we still have yet to ask some of the most important questions pertaining to hanging out. Yes, hanging out happens, but WHY? Are single adults of this era made of lower quality material? Are these the same young people who are serving missions at increasingly higher rates, even with a raising of the bar? Really? Why the nose dive all of the sudden? Sometimes I feel like we are going to the doctor for chest pain and all the doctor can say is "well, I think you have chest pain." No duh. I could have diagnosed that my self. Tell us how to fix it. I know hanging out is a "problem" for some people. Have we ever thought to ask why these single adults are hanging out? I personally feel that that is the real question we need to answer. Some single people hang out. We know that. Now we need to answer the question as to why they do. And might I suggest it is not just because single adults "lack commitment" or some other hooey trash like that.
To continue with the comments on the opera lady and the online discussion I had, there were a surprisingly high number of people among the 241 comments on this forum with axes to grind on "hanging out." Filthy, wild, bombastic posts were made. Ad hominem was resorted to. Grammar errors were prevalent. The word "Council" was used in place of "Counsel" a disgustingly large number of times. It almost was frightening how many people there are out there with radicalized views on the topic of hanging out. Some of these had seemingly devoted their lives to satisfying personal vendettas. Perhaps I am one of them.
Conclusion.
I think that we still have yet to ask some of the most important questions pertaining to hanging out. Yes, hanging out happens, but WHY? Are single adults of this era made of lower quality material? Are these the same young people who are serving missions at increasingly higher rates, even with a raising of the bar? Really? Why the nose dive all of the sudden? Sometimes I feel like we are going to the doctor for chest pain and all the doctor can say is "well, I think you have chest pain." No duh. I could have diagnosed that my self. Tell us how to fix it. I know hanging out is a "problem" for some people. Have we ever thought to ask why these single adults are hanging out? I personally feel that that is the real question we need to answer. Some single people hang out. We know that. Now we need to answer the question as to why they do. And might I suggest it is not just because single adults "lack commitment" or some other hooey trash like that.
I think we also need to fully admit that hanging out has been going on for a lot longer than we care to acknowledge. What else would you call a church dance, with its strange mix of sexually veiled lyrics and lots of standing by the sidelines? Yet church dances are sanctioned hanging out that we pat ourselves on the backs for. (Naturally there will be different experiences with dances. I for one do not like them.) My overall point is not that church dances are wicked. Rather, I am indicating that the YSA culture has institutionalized hanging out. I am going to refrain from making a list, so as to avoid starting a fire I do not want to put out.
For me personally, writing all of this has been rather cathartic. I'm not gonna lie: it feels good to throw eggs at the little red school house. Although perhaps it is merely a Pyrrhic victory.
For me personally, writing all of this has been rather cathartic. I'm not gonna lie: it feels good to throw eggs at the little red school house. Although perhaps it is merely a Pyrrhic victory.
There is a lot more I could say on this,
but I am now out of time. I summarize with three thesis points:
- Actually do your research. Sure, I study statistics for a living so I care a lot about actual data backing up my claims. But still, do your research. Do not just buy into every agenda driven piece of baseless "social research."
- Stop wishing that the Bucks still had Lew Alcindor. He and the era's short shorts have retired. Run the floor. Play both ends. Or be benched.
- Ask the questions that actually need to be asked. Ask why. Ask how.
Let me also add that writing this has allowed me to examine my approaches to how I play the game. There were some times where I really was just sort of going through the motions. Composing this long post has helped me see where I can improve my play on both ends of the court. As always, what I say here is my own opinion. I am not trying to necessarily change your opinion on these issues. But I think that it is important to present my story. There are of course people who think I am way off base on this. That is fine. I've been butting heads with people since 2nd grade with Mrs. Stwetchipants. I am sure I am a hiss and a byword to many a young lady. However, now my view is written. And that's really all I wanted to do in the first place.
*Understand that I am not trying to belittle women that stay
home with their children. Some women choose to work. Some women need to
work. My mother was a stay at home mom. It worked well for us. But her
place was never "the kitchen."
**This whole "back when we were young" idea is a strange one. It is like a man that used to ride bus 34 on the Blue line still going to the bus stop everyday even though the bus company cancelled that bus back in 1967. Buddy, the bus don't come to these parts no more. And sitting here on the busted bench waiting for it is not going to make it come back. "What you've gotta do is get some hot cakes and..." Those good old Luddites.
***I will here add that the (Nobel Prize winning) Gale-Shapely algorithm in social economics shows that a linear asking methodology with men as the initiating variable leads to women being married to less desirable spouses (i.e. male optimal) than if women had also participated in some iterations as leading variables. In layman's terms, when women will not ask, and men abide by such, women marry a less desirable spouse than if they had participated in asking. Look it up. It is called "Male optimality of the Gale-Shapely Algorithm." This is an example of how we allow traditional social perceptions to lead us to poorer social choices. Here are some papers you can read. Or you can remain ignorant but happy in your social paradigm. Male Optimal Pairs, Major Source on GSAlg. Check out Theorem 1.2.3 of the second link. Male optimal pairing patterns lead to the woman being in the minimal [worst] stable marriage in the discrete space of possible stable pairings. Some of this sounds silly, but it is actually a huge area of study in game theory and social economics. Food for thought.
**** I know that some of you really like Settlers of Catan. I have absolutely nothing against the game at all, nor I am at all trying to shame you for playing it. This was just what the lady blamed for her daughter not being married.
**This whole "back when we were young" idea is a strange one. It is like a man that used to ride bus 34 on the Blue line still going to the bus stop everyday even though the bus company cancelled that bus back in 1967. Buddy, the bus don't come to these parts no more. And sitting here on the busted bench waiting for it is not going to make it come back. "What you've gotta do is get some hot cakes and..." Those good old Luddites.
***I will here add that the (Nobel Prize winning) Gale-Shapely algorithm in social economics shows that a linear asking methodology with men as the initiating variable leads to women being married to less desirable spouses (i.e. male optimal) than if women had also participated in some iterations as leading variables. In layman's terms, when women will not ask, and men abide by such, women marry a less desirable spouse than if they had participated in asking. Look it up. It is called "Male optimality of the Gale-Shapely Algorithm." This is an example of how we allow traditional social perceptions to lead us to poorer social choices. Here are some papers you can read. Or you can remain ignorant but happy in your social paradigm. Male Optimal Pairs, Major Source on GSAlg. Check out Theorem 1.2.3 of the second link. Male optimal pairing patterns lead to the woman being in the minimal [worst] stable marriage in the discrete space of possible stable pairings. Some of this sounds silly, but it is actually a huge area of study in game theory and social economics. Food for thought.
**** I know that some of you really like Settlers of Catan. I have absolutely nothing against the game at all, nor I am at all trying to shame you for playing it. This was just what the lady blamed for her daughter not being married.
***** This post is already way too long, but I need to say this one thing: There is strong evidence that the leaders of the Church are concerned about the decline of families in the United States. Hence they talk about the importance of family. Part of that is marriage. Again, I cannot speak from the perspective of the leading councils of the Church, but for me personally, the day where the social practice of dating becomes the emblem of the doctrines of the family and marriage is the day where we have gone far afield from the cause which we should be committing ourselves to sustain.
No comments:
Post a Comment