Singles Wards: Segundo.

Old Dan Tuker was a fine old man
Washed his face in a fryin' pan
Combed his hair with a wagon wheel
And died with a toothache in his heal

Get out the way, Old Dan Tucker
You're to late to get your supper
Get out the way, Old Dan Tucker
You're to late to get your supper

Now Old Dan Tucker come to town
Ridin' a billy goat, leadin' a hound
The hound dog barked and billy goat jumped
And landed old Tucker on a stump

Get out the way, Old Dan Tucker
You're to late to get your supper
Get out the way, Old Dan Tucker
You're to late to get your supper

~Attr. Daniel Decatur "Dan" Emmett

Hey Baby. Who's your dream boat?

This is a hate hard post. Be warned. Let me also add, however, that this may honestly be the last hate post I ever write. Okay, next week could also be a hater post. But not as severe, since I have pillaged the entire village and have decided to take my (in)abilities in advocacy elsewhere. But probably not to South Beach. I am afraid I would commit some sort of fashion faux pas.

Pure Frump: Brown Uggs on Black Pants.

As promised last week, I am going to be addressing what I call the "date-n-mate" (DNM) doctrine. I know that this is a rather coarse term for it, but it describes the whole concept rather well. The only way you can find your spouse is through a deterministic system of dating, and the only reason you need a spouse is for the bearing of children. Date and mate. That's the program. I am also aware that most of you probably want me to shut up about this and just let it go. But I enjoy complaining, so here you go, an ungraceful glissade down to the Pit of Whine and Complain.

In my time in singles wards, I have learned that DNM is a common theme (Obvious). Hence the reason I burn down the house on the topic of dating rather often. One can only have their worthiness questioned in relation to DNM so many times before you become embittered.

Although, maybe I am just easily embittered. Go back and read the multiplicity of hate hard posts about the dative paradigm if you want to see this in action.

Early in my career as a "young single adult," I had singles wards with dating quotas, which I categorically disagree with. Perhaps this is why I currently am unmarried. Although, let me add, there were several people who also did not like the quotas and they are currently married. The Beast was not exactly a fan as I remember.

I felt that the quota and intense ecclesiastical pressure to get married led to poor decisions by all parties involved. Church each week could not be considered successful until someone had given a laydown about dating. So much of your worthiness was based on how social you were on the weekend and how many girls you flung with. I know I talk a lot about this topic, but it was frustrating to reach a point where I hated going to church. It was an honest to goodness waste of time.  Ultimately, it was men in their 50s bullying men in their 20s. I do not go to church to be mocked and denigrated. Sorry, but I don't. Having seven daughters does not give you license to mock single men over the pulpit in church.

I have related before some of my experiences with the quotas and general singles ward dating and will not go on and on. All I will say is that true doctrine twisted and misapplied loses its validity. And dating is not a doctrine to begin with, so......yeah.* It does not matter how vociferously you demand it be heard, it's still false. True doctrine is not taught by bullying and belittling, regardless of how good you think your motives are.

Honestly, this is when I became hard. A kicked dog bites.

Now this is of course an awful set of stories to tell and I should probably just let it go.

But perhaps remember the disclaimer here. And we do not do ourselves one bit of good by pretending that it was okay. No. It wasn't okay. I am just going to call a spade a spade here. 

I saw nothing positive come from the repeated goading and shaming. None of us were inspired to do better. No one walked away from the beat downs and dating firesides saying "I am going to change my ways. I need to repent. That was true doctrine." We walked away saying "Oh, they think we are losers. I am an awful person. What a waste of my time." Keep in mind that the members of my singles wards were not unrighteous low-lifes, just wandering around in life. The high majority of people in these wards were in college and seeking to go somewhere in life. I am well aware of the high density of low-life menfolk in certain areas. I saw some of these people while making my rounds in singles wards. However, I was always surprised that people could not see the obvious difference between the men in my singles ward and the hypothetical low-life men of a straw man ward.

The men of my ward (and I think the young ladies as well) were forced into aggressive and unwise dating patterns. It created a cattle auction atmosphere. 

A cattle auction I once attended.

More than once I tried to fulfill the quota with unwise dating decisions. And I was not the only one. The whole "She rages like the sea" incident taught us that. (For those of you who know what that refers to).

Honestly, I do not even really care about myself here. The thing I care about more is the duress that the date-n-maters pushed my people and friends through. It just wasn't right. Some of these proponents of DNM were just honestly confused people. They were trying their best to teach correct principles and just did not posses a fine enough filter to know to whom their counsel aggressive dating counsel should apply. They were guilty of the transgression of being out of touch with the fact that not every man in the Church is a video game playing porn addict.

But there were others who......I just don't know. It is not my place to ultimately judge the motives of these men. Let me just culminate this story by saying that I do not care how rich, handsome, or suave you are; you just cannot belittle my friends like that. People with positive motives don't talk that way. I will say no more about that.

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* I am well aware of what Robert D. Hales said last week. Honestly I think he was talking about an entirely different type of dating, something that has been perverted into some deranged sort of princess worship and gamesmanship. And notice how Elder Hales presented what he had to say. Did you see how he did it without mocking people? Any questions?