How to Pick Up Chicks.

When I was a little bitty baby
My mama would rock me in the cradle,
In them old cotton fields back home;

It was down in Louisiana,
Just about a mile from Texarkana,
In them old cotton fields back home.

Oh, when them cotton bolls get rotten
You can't pick very much cotton,
In them old cotton fields back home.

~Lead Belly, as sung by CCR. 

Today I will be talking about some benefits of going to an agricultural college. I will at times be comparing my experiences with attending an agricultural college with my experiences attending a meat market college. These comparisons are not meant to incite riot on either side as, after all, I have been a student at both schools. And, as always, let me remind you that these posts are meant to have a degree of sarcasm in them. Hence, if you farm alfalfa, please do not think I am actually making fun of your livelihood. All complaints should be directed to my older sister Brunhilde (brunhilde912_TheEnforcer@gmail.com).

Pickin' up Chicks Like a Boss.

Picking Up Chicks

The good thing about going to an agricultural college is that you have an opportunity to learn certain life skills you really could not learn anywhere else. Take picking up chicks for example. When picking up a chick, you must use care not to crush the small bird in your hands. You do not need to give the chick the Heimlich maneuver. In fact, unsolicited abdominal thrusts usually will result in the chick slapping or biting you. Instead, use a soft cupping motion with your hands and scoop the bird up. Ideally the head of the bird should be oriented to allow the chick to properly draw air into its tiny lungs. This means that the legs of the chick should face down. Also, let me remind you to be careful when picking up chicks, because sometimes you can throw your back out. To wit, I picked up a chick one time and did not observe proper form. I lifted with my back and not my hips! My lower back was sore the next day. Although perhaps this was because the chick fancied herself a chiropractor.

The Alffies
Now these tips on picking up chicks are only a small sample of what you can learn at an agricultural college. There also are a variety of clubs one can join. Take the Alfalfa Growers of America (affectionately know as "The Alffies") for example. They have a strong following here at my agricultural college, with over three-quarters of the students pledging at the "Sprout" level or higher. Furthermore, we are one of only three schools in the nation to boast double digit wins at the annual "Reaper Races." In fact, the current record for the 100-acre harvest is held by Richard "Dickie" Kurtler, a former student of my agricultural college. He now has his own line of designer "work suits," with sales in the tens of millions of dollars. Agricultural college can progress your career in ways you never even imagined. And to think that it all began with a simple desire to cultivate a ditch bank weed.

Buck "The Blade" Jennings warming up before the 300-acre harvest race. (2009)

Side Chops
Another interesting thing about going to an agricultural college instead of a meat market college is that men can have beards without the Po-Po being all up on them. (Women can have beards at either institution by the way, although they do not occur with equal prevalence at both schools). I have seen many agricultural college beards. Long beards with beads. Long beards without beads. Medium beards with braids and curls. Short beards with streaks of green. Beards doubling as hairpieces, as well as hairpieces doubling as beards. You name it. I have even seen something the locals call "Side Chops." I grew these so called "Side Chops" one week and it increased my confidence level four-fold. That is the benefit of growing protruding facial hair. Unlike "The 'Stache" (a meat market favorite), sculpted facial hair is salubrious to both body and psyche. 

Feelin' Good.

Engineering
As is common with land grant schools, many agricultural colleges have a strong engineering department. My agricultural college is no different. You can tell how strong a college is in the field of engineering by how many buildings they devote to the subject. At my current school, I believe that there are 37 buildings devoted to engineering. They have names such as "The Engineering Building," "The Engineering Laboratory," "The Engineering Testing Building," "The Engineering Storage Building," "The Engineering Machines and Gadgets Building," "The Engineering Engine Building," "The Engineering Experiment Building," and "The Engineering Test Subject Storage Building." That last one has been rather controversial as of late, but I hear that they serve a mean omelet for breakfast if you have to stay for more than a week.

At my old meat market college, I think we had three engineering buildings: The new one, the old one, and the storage heap. When I was a freshman at the meat market college, I actually went inside "The Storage Heap." One of the first things I saw were some broken machines (steel presses) being stored in a chicken wire cage under a stairwell. Rumor has it that the Ark of the Covenant is somewhere in that building, hidden behind an old milling machine from the 1950s.


Beans 'n Brew
One thing that should not be surprising when comparing my old meat market college with my current agricultural college is the amount of coffee that is consumed at the latter. Although, let's face it, there are probably only about three colleges (Meat Market, Spud Market, Pineapple Market) in the world where people do not drink coffee. Hence this part of the post is less about my agricultural college and more about select encounters with people who consume coffee. I myself do not drink coffee, but I am aware that there are people in the world that drink coffee. This is not a big deal to me. The fact that people drink coffee is just a fact of life and I deal with it quite well.

Admittedly, I do not know why people drink coffee. I guess it wakes them up or something. (That is what exercise is for. Anyway.) But that aside, I have a girl in one of my afternoon classes that brings a one-liter thermos of hot coffee to class each day and drinks it from a tiny little cup. Mind you, she did this even when it was in the 90s outside. She drinks about 12 cups of this hot coffee through the course of the class. I think she might be addicted.

Photo Credit Wanda Lancaster.

Another encounter I had with coffee came during my recruitment to PhD programs. This school was not strictly an agricultural college in the sense of my current school, but the land for the university was donated to the state by two gamblers and a saloon keeper. During one of my days at this said university, we had a meeting for all recruits. The beverage served was coffee (else this story would not be in this section). But the coffee came in what can only be described as "bladders." We are talking light blue rubber bags, much like those in a CamelBak. And the food served was pizza. Nothing beats a good ol' cup of joe from a bladder and a slice of pepperoni pizza. Anyway. #CoffeePeople.

I Want to Hold Your Hand
As I have strolled the campus of my agricultural college, one thing that I have begun to notice is the comparative lack of hand holding. At my former meat market college, hand holding and kissing were plentiful. Sometimes, even faculty members took part in the festivities. I witnessed such an event once. Let's just say that there is nothing quite as awkward as seeing your professor having a private moment of romance in a Thai restaurant. At least it wasn't with a student. (See this former post).

Your average meat marketer. Photo credit JMC.

"Espionage." Photo Credit JMC

Graven Images
One interesting difference between an agricultural college and a meat market college is the statues and artwork they have on campus. At my former meat market college, the graven images were all of people.

Note the hand holding.

However, at my agricultural college, the graven images are a bit more abstract:

Five-way Arm Wrestle.

Stacks of firewood.

Lips.

French Fries

"Man and Club" Pastel on Napkin.
 It looks like he is aiming for a ravine.
Photo credit unknown. Possibly this random man's spouse.
If it was her, credit to her.

Conclusion
There are many other differences between going to a meat market college and an agricultural college. Time does not allow me to mention all of them. However, I will mention that ever since I became a student at my agricultural college, my ability to pick up a chick has dramatically increased. Perhaps this can be attributed to the wonderful symbiosis between my meat market college and my agricultural college.

Thank you to those of you who provided the images for today's post. You can have 100% of the proceeds from what I make from this blog today. Split it however you like.