Date and Preserve the Planet

Sit beside a mountain stream, see her waters rise.
Listen to the pretty sound of music as she flies.

Find me in my field of grass, Mother Nature's son.
Swaying daises sing a lazy song beneath the sun.

As is tradition, I am going to write about an upcoming holiday. This time it is St. Patrick's Day. For this special St. Patrick's Day edition of the blog, I will be talking about how you can have a great time going on your weekly quota reaching date and also preserve the planet. This is what we call "Dating Green." As I have a few associates that come from states that claim to desire to preserve the planet, I felt that this topic would be very fitting for the Day of Green.

1. Walk or bike everywhere for the date. If she objects to walking several miles to preserve the planet, remind her that the future children you will have together depend on a healthy planet.

2. Refuse to use anything made of plastic. This includes most of the known world. If the girl is wearing eyeglasses, chances are that her spectacles are made of plastic. Dispose of these immediately. It is better to be blind and live on a clean planet than be able to see in a pollution heavy world.

3. Avoid children at all costs. (This is something I do even when I am not trying to be green, which is most of the time). It is a well known fact that children are damaging to the planet. Used diapers, empty juice boxes, greenhouse gases, and nuclear waste are just some of the many things that children produce that are damaging to the planet. You might as well just be throwing uranium tailings into the ocean. On the topic of diapers, I am aware that a few of you have "gone cloth," which is a huge debate on mommy blogs. I am not a mommy blog writer, so I have no real opinion. Maybe Kelsey Gurley can give advice on "cloth."

4. Do not shower before going out on a date. This will save quite a bit of water and will give your skin a darker complexion. They invented Axe Body Spray for a reason. Unfortunately Axe only really works if you are dating a high schooler with a cold.

5. Consider a planet friendly wardrobe. I remember seeing a lady once that had crocheted a big purse out of used plastic bags. Why not extend this concept to your clothing? Here is a smock/coat made from old high density polyethylene bags. It is waterproof, it preserves the planet, and it will hold in your stench from not bathing.

6. Only eat at restaurants that buy locally. Too many precious resources are spent transporting your food from Siberia to your dinner plate. Eating at restaurants that buy locally also has the added benefit that they are in walking distance. Yeah......I'm not going to lie, you might start regretting that whole "no car" rule.

7. In keeping with the no plastics kick, do not drink any bottled water. Remember, streams, lakes, and irrigation ditches are the most natural sources of water. Next to nuclear exposed children, irrigation ditches are also the largest source of unplanned genetic mutation in the U.S. But that is the price we all must pay for going green.

8. When you do decide a bath is absolutely necessary, use organic shampoos and soaps only. I am actually aware of a guy who claimed to be making such products. No word on his dating habits, although he did set his room on fire.

9. Do not touch your date. When you touch a person, your heart rate increases, which also makes your breathing rate increase. This will use up a larger supply of oxygen and will also produce a larger amount of carbon dioxide. If you hold hands with this girl, get ready to plant a tree, because you have breathed up at least twice as much oxygen as you otherwise might have if you had remained untouching. Do you want to save the planet, or do you want to hold hands with that girl that probably is just phishing you for answers to the math test? You choose.

10. Instead of paying for your dates with money, consider bartering using recyclable goods. Newspaper, plastic bags, cardboard, and small children all make excellent bartering tools for those desiring a greener way to pay.