Family Reunions

She knows her mind all right your Auntie Grizelda
She says she knows my kind she might, maybe so
Oh, yeah, she's raised you right your Auntie Grizelda
You only know the things she wants you to know

I know she's having a fit, she doesn't like me a bit
No bird of grace ever lit on Auntie Grizelda

You can't begrudge her style your Auntie Grizelda
She couldn't budge a smile and do it for free
So righteous making fudge your Auntie Grizelda
So proper judging others over her tea

You look just like her you do, I know by looking at you
That you've been listening to your Auntie Grizelda

~The Monkees - Your Auntie Grizelda

When I originally wrote this post, I had spent the week giving a large number of hours of test reviews for the math class I was teaching. This consisted of standing in front of a class for three or four hours and talking. You never realize how hard it is to stand in front of a class of people and talk for three straight hours without sitting down. Especially to do it for three days. At the end of it all I walked to Domino's and bought two pizzas for $12. They were having a deal. It was actually a student who told me about the bargain. This pizza turned out to be rather useful in the days to come.

Now to get to the actual topic of the blog post today. (See the photo below). We will discuss syngenesophobia (Fear of relatives) today.

Not a photo of my family member.
I hope no one has omphalophobia.

A common event each summer for many families is that of a family reunion. I am posting this at a time of the summer that will dispel thoughts of this post being about family reunions I have personally attended. Since I am aware that a few members of my family read this blog, I must release this disclaimer:  

Disclaimer: Not every weirdo I talk about on this blog is related to me. Hence the persons herein detailed should not be attributed to anyone I personally know, nor should these be taken as descriptions of the members of my family.

First off, while we are on the topic of family reunions, let me just disclose that I am the guy who tries to keep as low of a profile as possible at family gatherings. The last family reunion I went to, I hid in the foliage and hoped no one noticed I was there. I was able to drink four lemonades and two bottles of water, so all was not lost. Experience has taught me that it is usually best to stay on the fringes at family gatherings. This way you can avoid explaining for the bajillionth time why your wife is not in attendance.

"Yo buddy, stop asking that!"

As of late, when I am asked where my "eternal companion" is, I usually just say "I am not quite sure.....you know, now that you mention it, I cannot even recollect the last time I saw her." This usually stumps the attacker long enough that I can slip away. Another one of my favorites (this works especially well at weddings) is to tell anyone that asks where my lover is that "we will make everything official once the Board of Pardons clears her case." It takes someone with a significant grip on their wits to respond to that one. Admittedly, I have an entire arsenal of ambiguous statements about my marital status such as the one above. My brother highly dislikes it when I unleash one on an unsuspecting attacker, yet I have found them to be a rather useful tool.

I am also going to add fast that there was an unfortunate encounter I had once where a relative tried to refer her "beautiful granddaughter" to me. This granddaughter and I even went to the same school! Lo! Behold! We have all it takes! I then had to kindly remind this relative that only states in the South allow marriages between cousins. Well, okay, that hasn't stopped some families. But how do you explain that to inquiring minds. "Oh yeah, we met at a family reunion........" #AwkwardPause. #ThenTheyFigureItOut. 

I have also found that kids and babies tend to be in the inner circle at family reunions. I do not do babies. They are not part of my act and I do not plan on them ever becoming part of my act. Perhaps this is a result of a rather pronounced case of paedophobia. As I want to entirely separate myself from any contact with children, the edges serve me nicely.  You can dart in and out and get the food and beverages you want without having to make conversation. After all, we don't go to family reunions for the people--we go for the food. Let's face it. This is especially true when you are anthrorusticaphobic (Fear of Rednecks). Or if you are cacophobic. Fear of ugly people is certainly a reason to stay on the edges.

Here are a few of the types of people one might meet at a family reunion. Again, remember the disclaimer.

NRA Enthusiast.  This is the relative that comes to the festivities with a sidearm and a big #'Murica shirt on his back. The handgun changes family BINGO, that's for sure. You don't wanna mess with this relative. This is another reason to stay on the fringes of the fold. You never know when that pistol will go off.

Wait Cousin Bubba, that ain't a sidearm....nevermind.

That Don't Potluck. Many reunions are potluck. This means that, upon occasion, something weird gets brought. Kidney beans don't potluck with lemon jello. You don't put cheese in sugar cookies. Mustard does not go on steak. Turnip Stroodle is not a real dessert. In fact, turnips don't potluck, period. These are basic facts of life. Maybe this is a hold over from the Depression era relatives who had to mix whatever they had and eat it. "You kids eat this stuff or else. When I was a kid I ate pea gravel and dirt, and we were darn lucky to have the dirt."

Ninth cousin 27-times Removed. About four years ago I decided that I was tired of not knowing the difference between a second cousin and a first cousin once-removed. (Because this is something everyone wants to understand). This decision was actually brought on by a family reunion I attended, since some of us were trying to figure out how Great-Cousin Chuck actually was related to us in technical terms. Here is how it goes: Ordinal (first, second, third, fourth...) relationships are horizontal relationships. You come from the same lineal generation. So my mother's first cousin's children are my second cousins. On the other hand, removal is a vertical relationship. So my mother's first cousin is my first cousin one-time removed. Note that this can be rather confusing, since this goes both ways. I am also my mother's cousin's first cousin one-time removed. Wikipedia explains this with a lot of diagrams and does a pretty good job of it, so visit there for further questions.

Cousin Great-Grandpa. Have you ever been to one of those reunions where you see some of your parent's cousins and you wonder if they were even born in the same dispensation? I'm not just talking 10 or 15 years. I'm talking 40 years and 40 nights. First cousins with no removal, who are old enough to be the grandparents to your parents. I mean, I have a cousin who is 24 years my junior, but still, I'm barely old enough to be his parent.

Pretzels. A pretzel is someone who has....loops.... in their family tree. As in, a higher-up branch has connected with a lower down branch. Voila! A Pretzel. This is a term I heard from one of my own relatives. He is not a pretzel as far as I can tell. (Based on his provenance, I find it highly unlikely that he is in fact. Although he is browned and salty). Let's hope we never need to deal with pretzels in my family. Although maybe that would be an explanation for those families with the Cousin Great-Grandpa action going on. One way to test for pretzels is if you see your parent's cousins at reunions or if you see your parents' cousins at reunions. The punctuation is critical here.

Change of Face. This is the relative that you have not seen for 20 years who shows up and has drastically changed. This change can occur in many fashions. Maybe they put on 80 pounds. Maybe they lost 80 pounds. Maybe they are no longer your aunt, but your uncle. Pick your poison. If you have metathesiophobia, this relative is one you should avoid.

The Moochers. As a kid, I am pretty sure that I mooched at someone's family reunion by mistake. Now you might wonder how you can mooch by mistake, but here is how it happened. My own family was holding a reunion in a park in Idaho and my cousin and I were wandering and we somehow got into the wrong pavilion. We were probably about seven or eight years-old at the time. The family reunion we had originally come to attend (i.e. the one for our own family) was one of those reunions where some of the aforementioned "27-times removed" type people were in attendance. Being young, we had no idea who our "people" were. We just saw food and old people. We ate a few of their doughnuts (powdered) and played with some of the kiddos there. After 20 or so minutes we realized that our (immediate) family was at the next pavilion over. Ironically, we probably were more closely related to some of the people in the pavilion we mooched from than the pavilion we were supposed to be at.

The Lovers. Okay, I am going to admit it. I could not through this post without mentioning the lovers. These are the relatives that show up with lover en tote. This can be highly exciting when it is the first time that the relative has brought their lover. You could actually count "seeing the cousins' lovers for the first time" as a major reason I go to reunions. But after the same relative has brought a different girlfriend to each of the past four reunions, it starts to lose its excitement. And when your grandmother insists that the lover be in the family photo, it always creates issues........("Granny, we have had to shred the last three family photos because Clint keeps changing girlfriends.") 

Maybe one of these days I myself will have the privilege of marching in with full pomp and circumstance to the lauding salutations of family members as I present my lover for their examination. Praise, honor, and glory will then be poured out in full upon me and I will finally have my name emblazoned on the family wall of fame. Or at the very least I can stop hiding in the foliage every time I go to a family event because of the shame that otherwise will be bestowed upon me.  #WeShallSee.

Who's Your Daddy. This is not so much a person as an event. I have found myself at times introducing myself at a family reunion as "I am the son of _____, who is the sister to _____, whose wife is _____, whose father's mother's son's wife is your third cousin." So in other words, I am probably more related to the aspen trees in the park than some of my relatives. 

Do Not Mix. Occasionally there are relatives that cannot mix and mingle. For example, if your aunt is ablutophobic (fears bathing), she should not mix with your second cousin who is blennophobic (fears slimy things). You should definitely keep them at separate tables. In fact, if your aunt ain't bathing, you probably should give her her own table. 

Bufonophobic. Fear of toads can be a crippling phobia. If you or a relative is afraid of toads, seek medical help immediately. 

Did I miss any of your relatives? Comment below.