How to Set Someone Up

I just met you,

And this is craaaazy,

But here's [her] number,

So call [her] maybe.

-Carly Rae Jepsen (Derived)

This is another top ten list. It is about how to set people up for marriage. Or at least how to attempt to. Please do not take too much of this seriously. I am not trying to pick anyone out or respond to any specific situation. It is extremely rare that someone actually tries to set me up on dates. They realized I was a lost cause several years ago. But here is the list nonetheless.

1. If you are going to try to set someone up, make sure that you know both people well. It sounds fundamental, but you would be surprised at how many people overlook this fact.  How often do you talk to the parties you are attempting to set up? Unless you have meaningful contact with both people at least once or twice a month, chances are you do not know them well enough to be suggesting people they should date. Note that knowing someone's parent is not the same as knowing the person themselves. Do not try to set me up with some girl because you are Facebook friends with her mother.

2. Ask if you are trying to set up people that are your peers. If you are trying to set up two people that are not your peers, chances are you will fail. This is actually a really prevalent theme I find. If you are not peers to both parties, you will usually struggle to be in touch with the undercurrents of any relationship you are trying to cultivate. There naturally are exceptions to this, but in general being 40 years older than the couple you are trying to set up is not going to lead to positive results.

3. You should know the relationship status of both people. This does not mean guessing their status. You need to know straight up if they are in any sort of relationship or not. I have had people suggest women for me to pursue and all it took was a 30 second glance at Facebook to figure out that they already had milk for their Honey Bunches of Oats (Or is that a Honey Bunch Cluster for their milk?).  Six albums of pictures with them holding the same bronzed and blonde lover usually indicate a relationship.  Don't make me figure out that the "really nice" girl in your ward is actually almost engaged.

4. "Just try it for one date." Setting up and planning a date takes time, especially when it is with a person I do not know. I need to figure out where the person lives, where to park when I get to her house (I actually have had to figure this out with a few girls due to the awful parking situations by where they live), how to get to the place we are going, what to do when we get there, etc. There is no such thing as a casual blind date. It is extremely rare that I would call going on a first date with someone "fun." Just my thought.

5. Ask the question "Am I already married?" No offense, but married people can badly botch the set up game. There is just something about being married that makes one unable to be objective about setting people up. Whether we want to admit it or not, married people sometimes don't "get it." I know that many of you are married, so this is a sensitive subject. But understand that you can lose perspective very quickly once you are married. Yes, you were once single. But you are not now. I went to preschool. But I don't think any of you are going to call me for advice about your preschooler. I've even forgotten what it is like to be in high school.

One of my colleagues got married a bit ago. I distinctly remember him saying before he was married that he never wanted to be set up on a date. Obviously he had forgotten about this statement, because it was not 6 months after he was married that he was trying to become my matchmaker. He failed. Although I also was crotchety about it, so that may have had some effect.

6. It takes a heck of a lot more than her being a "nice girl" for things to work out. Just because we are the same race and religion does not mean that we have anything in common or that we desire to speak with one another. Besides, I am not a nice boy, so most "nice girls" find me repulsive. Well, I guess that there are mean girls who also find me repulsive, so maybe my bridge is falling from both ends.

7. Dates with visibly pregnant women can be awkward. I am just going to leave it at that.

8. I have spoken on this topic before, but I do not want to go on a date with someone born in 1997. I also do not want to go on a date with someone born in 1977. I might relax some of these standards if the girl is super rich, super cute, or super good at Settlers of Catan. I actually have no clue how to play Settlers of Catan, so that last one is probably off of the table as well. Maybe we should replace it with "A woman cultured in opera." Or not. 

9. This more falls under the advice giving category, but the following phrases are off limits: "There are plenty of fish in the sea," "I know the perfect girl for you," "When Gretta and I got married...." (That was 40 years and 40 pounds ago). And please don't tell me I need to stop looking for someone that is perfect. If I had a penny for every person that has told me that, I literally could fund a trip to Europe. Why in the world do people think that most single people are just stuck in a rut of looking for someone that is perfect? [Scoff]. Personally, I would be embarrassed to admit in public that I am that out of touch with the majority paradigm. Also avoid the words "special someone"  and "Ostertag for three." (That also was 40 years and 40 pounds ago).

10. Do not try and honey pot me. Few things are as awkward as being invited to someone's house for a meal only to show up and find out that they wanted me to meet some girl that just "happens to be there." This is especially egregious when the girl seems to think I want to flamenco dance with her. I would not recognize a flamenco dance if she came up and slapped me in the face (Which may or may not have actually happened....)