There is a talk called "Dating versus Hanging Out" by Dallin H Oaks (Given May 1, 2005) that has become legendary for those that advise the YSAs of the USA. I think that everything Elder Oaks says in that talk is based upon valid conclusions. People just love to (mis)quote from it. It can be fun! Now I could write a lot about this talk and some of the odd dative dogmas that have sprouted like cheese mold from it. Perhaps at some point I will write a post about social statistics and what it tells us about marriage trends, dating, and hanging out (and how it is not at all as bad as we think). But for now you can read about the Gale Shapley algorithm on Wikipedia. However, before moving on, let me just add that the last time that I hung out, none of you under age 30 were married. In fact I can think of a few people over age 30 that were not married at that point. I read from the talk again while writing this. Please do not look at what I say here as some sort of serious exposition on the topic of dating. Instead, this is a serious exposition on the topic of post Cold War approaches to reconstructing the poultry industry in Strandburg, South Dakota.....errrr wait, wrong blog......
Okay, now I really will post the 10 P's. These are all mine. Some are more pragmatic than others. In order for something to count as a date, you must fulfill at least 7 of the 10.
1. Practice. Some of you may remember "Practice on the expendables." Do a few basic run throughs with your roommates. Watch for the high ball screen and the pick and roll. And someone box out Rondo!
2. Pack the Peanuts. Salted, unsalted, shelled, unshelled, dry roasted, honey roasted...doesn't really matter. Something high in protein will keep you in the game when you are feeling listless and all you can talk about is eggplant.
3. Precious. Say "My precious" at least three times on the date. The glory of this phrase is that it can be used in two different ways. If the lady is a romantic, "My precious" is a great term of endearment. I use different terms myself, however. On the other hand, if the situation dictates, you can use this exact same phrase, but said in a creepy Gollum voice. It all depends on the girl. Some of them really go for the "short, balding, ring-obsessed, man sporting only a loin cloth" types.
4. Polka Dots. Something about white circles on a dark background just screams "Hey honeybunch, who's your dream boat?"
5. Puppetry. If you ever feel yourself grasping for things to say, a puppet should be your go to move. Sock puppet, marionette, ventriloquist dummy, or hand puppet; each will liven the mood. Both entertaining and educational, puppets can make even the most awkward situations manageable. Get in the groove and let the puppet do the talking.
6. Prom. Don't go.
7. Personal Flotation Device (PFD). Marty McFly wore one for the entirety of the first Back To the Future movie. And girls liked him because of it. A PFD will significantly lower your risk of drowning in her ocean of emotion. Or at the very least you will not go down if the waiter spills your drink on you. Remember that most PFDs are dry clean only.
8. Pass on the Princess. If she is a primadona with a tiara, you better check she's not still in preschool. Such a puerile practice should have been purged by prepubescence. As the saying goes, when you date a princess, you date her fairy godmother. And then you end up riding around in an oversized squash for the rest of your life.
9. Pine Sol. Ladies love that fresh "just cleaned" smell. Dab a bit behind the ears and in the armpits. Avoid the mouth and eyes.
10. Progressively Peculiar. Begin the night by acting quite normal. Slowly ease the discussion towards a conversation on beavers. End the night by asking her opinion on men that wear hip waders to restaurants. Slowly raise your pant leg to show you have a pair on under your trousers. Smile knowingly because, hey, you have to use those waders and that $30 fishing pole somehow.
I like this. Your blog. I like it. A lot.
ReplyDelete