1. Disgusting Mayonnaise. I began life as a hater of mayonnaise. And then I went on a mission. When I received my mission call numerous people told me I would have to eat dogs (see below), squat in every appointment and in every loo, and probably would lose weight (I served in one of those places). They never mentioned the whole "mayonnaise on a sweet potato" thing. Yet somehow on my very first full day in the mission field I was handed a sweet potato heaped with mayonnaise. After two years in the country and another five-and-a-half to contemplate the whole ordeal, I still am not quite sure if that was Elmer's wood glue or that putty stuff that my 4th grade teacher put in her wig to make it shimmer.
2. Dislocation: If you stretch once, you will stretch forever. I made the
mistake of leading the mission in stretches once at a Christmas party. I
then led the mission in stretches for the rest of my mission. Some of
those last zone conferences were the hardest because I had to continue to
think of new stretches to do and I was becoming less and less flexible.3. Dancing with the Saints' girls. There is a talk by Spencer W Kimball where he speaks on the evils of dancing with the Saints' girls. Yet I did it. I danced with 'dem girls. Now, I am rather poor at line dancing (Is that what that type of dancing was called?), however we had a ward party where I had to dance with the sister missionaries. Disclaimer: We never touched each other. I guess you could almost say that I danced with my companion, but that sounds even more inappropriate, so we will stick with the first explanation. I learned from this experience that "If You're Gonna Play in Texas, You Gotta Have a Fiddle in the Band." I also learned that I am not built to dance. This has never hurt me in life.
4. Dames of correspondence. If you are a man, there are five types of women you might receive letters from on your mission: Grandmother, Mother, Sister, Girl you will marry, Girl you will not marry. I received three of these types. Keep in mind that I have no sister and I am not married. I am pretty sure that several of the girls that wrote me letters on my mission literally can no longer remember my name--and the rest wish they couldn't.
5. Dog tastes like beef. Just take my word for it. I've been to a dog farm.
6. Dress Code: Watch what the companion wears. Tie? Check. White shirt? Check. Nametag? Check. Leopard print pencil skirt? Check.....Wait what? Let's just say it had been a crazy two years and we were LOOONG gone. 'Nuff said.
7. Doors: Subway doors will shut on your head if you let them. My very first day in the mission field, even before the awful mayonnaise incident, I was riding on the subway to get to my area. I had all of my earthly possessions (and by that I mean 3 suitcases) with me. Somehow my trainer had also ended up at the "Meet your young padawan" meeting with his own suitcase. So we had a lot of burdens to carry and we were the beasts to bear them. Jollily we rode along on the subway until my companion realized our stop was THIS ONE, RIGHT HERE. He then made his grand exit. But when you have two bags the size of small cars, graceful exits will not be your forte. I was no different in this case. I grabbed my bags and lunged for the doors, right as they began to close. If those doors shut, it obviously would be bad, as I had no money and could not speak the language. To make matters worse, the next subway stop left the mission. So thinking fast, I tried to throw myself out of the doors. But these huge bags held every part of me--besides my head--inside the subway. Yet my head got out! And the doors shut. I am pretty sure that the entirety of my 2 years passed in this next moment, but someone screamed and a lot of people jumped up. Somehow the doors opened and I got out. The rest of those missionary buffoons I was with thought it was quite the lark.
8. Dream Diagnostics: Avoid the mission psychiatrist. Every year a psychiatrist would come and talk about mental health. Now I am in all seriousness an advocate of good mental health. However this guy always made me feel nuts. It is like when someone talks about lice. You just feel involuntarily itchy. I remember the time he came when I was about 4 months from going home. He gave a 15 point checklist for self diagnosing a mental illness. And I had about 13 of the 15 bullet points. Again, 'nuff said.
9. Domestic delicacies: The weirdest food you will eat is "American." Some may disagree with me on this, but I ate some wacko pizza and hamburgers on my mission. All too often, someone would hand me food that was "American," yet had some strange twist done to it. The only possible place they could have received inspiration for that concoction is my elementary school cafeteria--and they sent four or five kids to the ER every year with their salad dressing alone.
10. Don't dink then drive: You can be involved in a hit and run and walk away from it. This probably was actually a true miracle. One day when I was walking to district meeting, a lady on a cell phone hit me with her car as I was walking down the side of the road. She swerved back into the road and drove away. Or at least she was gone when I was able to get up and ambulate again. (Somehow I actually got up and walked away from this). It was in front of the temple, so maybe that helped my cause. If you wonder, I did not tell my family about this until after I was home.
Bonus. For those that know: Bawk, Squawk, Squawk, Squawk. Chirp, Squawk, Tweetle.
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