Laughing on the bus,
Playing games with the faces.
She said the man in the gabardine suit was a spy.
I said, “Be careful, his bow tie is really a camera.”
Playing games with the faces.
She said the man in the gabardine suit was a spy.
I said, “Be careful, his bow tie is really a camera.”
~Simon and Garfunkel
I once attended an etiquette dinner when I was 15 years of age. It was weird. A church gym, a middle-aged man in an ill fitting tux acting as maître d', along with chicken "warmed" (Since you cannot cook in a church building) on a stove top make for a rather strange etiquette dinner. As I have grown older, I have learned various things about etiquette. I rarely practice them, however. Perhaps this has led to my current status. Nevertheless, I provide a collection of tips for those wishing to perfect the art of social politesse. I have not tried all of these in public.
The Invitation. Many formal occasions are accompanied by an invitation to attend said gathering. These invitations may include amusing photographs, especially if it is an invitation to a wedding dinner. Let's face it, pictures of people kissing are weird. Why in the world would I want that hanging on my fridge? We get it. You like kissing each other. Wedding invitations really should include some useful information. I want vital statistics. I want educational attainment and ACT scores. I want prison jumpsuit number (#VVP-890 if you wondered).
Most invitations will have the letters "RSVP" inscribed on them. I have never know exactly what "RSVP" actually means, but I assume it means either "Reconsider Samuel's Vacation Plans," or "Rapidly Send Viper Poison." Somehow this translates to "Please tell us if you want to come and eat our food." Some traditions are rather hard to understand.
Once in a blue moon someone will send you an invitation to a wedding reception you are not invited to. I knew of a woman who received a wedding announcement stating that the "happy couple" had been married two weeks prior in a private ceremony. Gifts were to be directed to their new apartment on 178 N. Lark Street, and they were still in need of bed sheets and a chocolate fountain. Towels would also be appreciated, as their current set was being used in lieu of bed sheets.
The Clothing. Your clothes will be the first thing that someone sees about you when attending formal occasions. If you are a man, you probably will need to wear a suit and tie, maybe even a tuxedo. Make sure the cummerbund is snug on your stomach. Here is the suit I have chosen for my upcoming* wedding.If you are a woman going to a formal occasion, you will somehow feel obligated to show up in a costume that required a 13 piece crew from NASA to assemble. I remember hearing once of a lady who ordered a dress with a thousand tiny bows, all hand stitched one at a time. Absolutely ridunkulous.
The Seating. Some formal dinners will assign you a seat. Others will allow you to choose where you sit. When you are allowed to choose your seat, I suggest you follow a few rules of thumb. First, sit with old people. They always get served first. Secondly, sit near the edge of the room. The servers are going to work from the outside in. Sitting near the exits also allows for a fast get away when the entertainment becomes dull. One other trick I use is removing a chair or two from the table when no one is looking. This allows you to have more room to expand and also cuts down on the number of people you will need to talk to. If I wanted to talk with people in close quarters, obviously I would just call them on the phone while on a packed city bus. Having to wear a tuxedo and eat soup at the same time is more than enough. We should not need to throw in talking with seven other people as part of the ordeal.
The Napkin. The napkin is usually a piece of cloth. At cheap places it is paper. We will assume you only practice etiquette at fancy places and will ignore paper napkins. The following pictures give examples of various ways to wear the cloth napkin.
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| The Bib. |
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| The Babushka. |
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| The Bandit. |
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| The Bandana. |
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| The Breathe Right Strip. |
The Flatware. In most cultures, those of high society will expect you to employ the usage of metal eating utensils. There are four basic categories: fork, knife, spoon, and asparagus server.
A formal dinner will have seven forks. Starting from the side furthest from the plate, the first three are for eating, the fourth for grooming, and the last three have yet to be used in formal circles for any worthy purpose. In fact, if you use the seventh fork to eat or groom, many restaurants will have you removed from the premise. I had a date to a restaurant by the name of Le Poulet Barbu ruined by this rather obscure rule of bonnes manières.
Knife and spoon usage are much easier. Only use the knife to defend yourself or to cut your date free if she becomes stuck to the chair due to her enormously over sized dress. Luckily I have only had to do this on two occasions. The spoon pretty much is used to eat everything the forks cannot handle: soup, Jello, cold cereal, apple sauce, etc. Although I would think twice about ordering cold cereal at a formal dinner.
The asparagus server resembles a fly swatter made of stainless steel. If asparagus is presented as part of the meal, this tool can be used to lift the fibrous ditch bank weed onto your plate. It can also be used to fling the fibrous ditch bank weed into the darkened corners of the room. I use the silver fly swatter for the latter.
The Belching. In some cultures, it is considered rude to belch at the table. In other cultures it is considered rude not to belch. A rule of thumb is that you should belch first and then ask for forgiveness if someone gives you a strange look. Heaven knows we have heard worse things in church gyms.
The Toast. At many formal dinners there is a type of glass called stemware. I learned this word from Marissa in Early Edition. People will propose toasts with these glasses. If you are feeling bold, you can propose a toast. All you need to do is clear your throat, arise, and say, "I would like some toast." The waiter will then bring you a small saucer with two pieces of bread, a stick of butter, and some jam. You may then give a short speech on a topic of your choosing. I usually opt for something such as "The rise and the fall of the Dutch duke's cummerbund." He had bought it too large you see.
The Entertainment. Some form of entertainment may be provided while you eat and digest. A common type of entertainment is a speaker. Now, not all speakers at formal dinners are meant to be intrinsically entertaining. In fact, for me personally, most speakers at dinners are not entertaining on their own. I have to make them entertaining. This is actually my specialty: snide commentary on so-so speakers. Sure makes church easier. We might not go to church to be entertained, but I at least want to leave entertained. And some of these people make it too easy to not be.
Although, a type of speaker that is even harder to endure is one who thinks he's funny when he isn't. These are the type of people who ruin that one television show on that one channel. Who are these jokes aimed at? Thirteen year-old girls raised by blonde sloths and Jar Jar Binks? A joke told poorly is worth negative points.
The Conversation. While in formal circles, people may occasionally talk to you. It is usually best to reply. Speak with a British or a French accent at all times. Sometimes it is okay to use a formal Southern dialect, however this really only works if you have white hair and are wearing seersucker. Discussion topics may center around Brazilian tree larks, your own brilliance, or even pro wrestling. You should, however, avoid speaking of your own brilliance as a pro wrestler, especially if your opponent was was a Brazilian tree lark.
*The wedding has not happened yet so it must be upcoming, right? I will let you know after it happens. That way you will know when and where to send the bed sheets and chocolate fountain. Cash gifts in unmarked bills will also be acceptable.
A formal dinner will have seven forks. Starting from the side furthest from the plate, the first three are for eating, the fourth for grooming, and the last three have yet to be used in formal circles for any worthy purpose. In fact, if you use the seventh fork to eat or groom, many restaurants will have you removed from the premise. I had a date to a restaurant by the name of Le Poulet Barbu ruined by this rather obscure rule of bonnes manières.
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| Asparagus Server |
The asparagus server resembles a fly swatter made of stainless steel. If asparagus is presented as part of the meal, this tool can be used to lift the fibrous ditch bank weed onto your plate. It can also be used to fling the fibrous ditch bank weed into the darkened corners of the room. I use the silver fly swatter for the latter.
The Belching. In some cultures, it is considered rude to belch at the table. In other cultures it is considered rude not to belch. A rule of thumb is that you should belch first and then ask for forgiveness if someone gives you a strange look. Heaven knows we have heard worse things in church gyms.
The Toast. At many formal dinners there is a type of glass called stemware. I learned this word from Marissa in Early Edition. People will propose toasts with these glasses. If you are feeling bold, you can propose a toast. All you need to do is clear your throat, arise, and say, "I would like some toast." The waiter will then bring you a small saucer with two pieces of bread, a stick of butter, and some jam. You may then give a short speech on a topic of your choosing. I usually opt for something such as "The rise and the fall of the Dutch duke's cummerbund." He had bought it too large you see.
The Entertainment. Some form of entertainment may be provided while you eat and digest. A common type of entertainment is a speaker. Now, not all speakers at formal dinners are meant to be intrinsically entertaining. In fact, for me personally, most speakers at dinners are not entertaining on their own. I have to make them entertaining. This is actually my specialty: snide commentary on so-so speakers. Sure makes church easier. We might not go to church to be entertained, but I at least want to leave entertained. And some of these people make it too easy to not be.
Although, a type of speaker that is even harder to endure is one who thinks he's funny when he isn't. These are the type of people who ruin that one television show on that one channel. Who are these jokes aimed at? Thirteen year-old girls raised by blonde sloths and Jar Jar Binks? A joke told poorly is worth negative points.
The Conversation. While in formal circles, people may occasionally talk to you. It is usually best to reply. Speak with a British or a French accent at all times. Sometimes it is okay to use a formal Southern dialect, however this really only works if you have white hair and are wearing seersucker. Discussion topics may center around Brazilian tree larks, your own brilliance, or even pro wrestling. You should, however, avoid speaking of your own brilliance as a pro wrestler, especially if your opponent was was a Brazilian tree lark.
*The wedding has not happened yet so it must be upcoming, right? I will let you know after it happens. That way you will know when and where to send the bed sheets and chocolate fountain. Cash gifts in unmarked bills will also be acceptable.
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